Showing posts with label english. Show all posts
Showing posts with label english. Show all posts
System Thinking Berpikir Sistem
I heard he sang a lullaby
I heard he sang it from his heart
When I found out thought I would die
Because that lullaby was mine
I heard he sealed it with a kiss
He gently kissed her cherry lips
I found that so hard to believe
Because his kiss belonged to me
How could an angel break my heart
Why didn't he catch my falling star
I wish I didn't wish so hard
Maybe I wished our love apart
How could an angel break my heart
I heard here face was white as rain
Soft as a rose that blooms in May
He keeps her picture in a frame
And when he sleeps he calls her name
I wonder if she makes him smile
The way he used to smile at me
I hope she doesn't make him laugh
Because his laugh belongs to me
How could an angel break my heart
Wh didn't he catch may falling star
I wish I didn't wish so hard
Maybe I wish our love apart
How could an angel break my heart
Oh my soul is dying, it's crying
I'm trying to understand
Please help me
How could an angel break my heart
Why didn't he catch my falling star
I wish I didn't wish so hard
Maybe I wished our love apart
How could an angel break my heart
I wished I had you in Carrickfergus,
Only for nights in Ballygrand,
I would swim over the deepest ocean,
The deepest ocean to be by your side.
But the sea is wide and I can’t swim over
And neither have I wings to fly.
I wish I could find me a handy boatman
To ferry me over to my love and die.
My childhood days bring back sad reflections
Of happy days so long ago.
My boyhood friends and my own relations.
Have all passed on now like the melting snow.
So I’ll spend my days in endless roving,
Soft is the grass and my bed is free.
Oh to be home now in Carrickfergus,
On the long road down to the salty sea.
And in Kilkenny it is reported
On marble stones as black as ink,
With gold and silver I did support her
But I’ll sing no more now till I get a drink.
For I’m drunk today and I’m rarely sober,
A handsome rover from town to town.
Oh but I am sick now and my days are numbered
So come on ye young men and lay me down.
Day-eh-ay
You and me, all alone girl
What’s going on, would you tell me what’s wrong
It’s like you’re locked up in your own world
Oh-oh with nothing to say
You keep me guessing but I see in your eyes
He made you promises but gave you lies
You’re shutting down cuz you’re so sure
That I’ll be another mistake
[Chorus:]
I know that he left you in pieces
You know that I won’t be that way
I’m not gonna treat you like he did
Oh-oh whatever it takes
You think history is repeating
You keep on pushing me away
Oh but nothing gonna change
Waiting for Yesterday-eh-eh
Day-eh-eh, Day-eh-eh
Is it worth it any longer?
You’re so scared to fall in again
Yesterday can make you stronger
So why do you feel alone?
You know I love you better than he ever did
This could be all you ever needed
Hold on to me and just remember
Oh no, never let go
[Chorus]
[Bridge:]
I’m the on for you tonight
I’m the one for forever
If it takes a little time (Whatever it takes, whatever it takes)
I’m the on for you tonight
I’m the one for forever
If it takes a little time (Whatever it takes, whatever it takes)
[Chorus x2]
It was a young and angry summer
A song that changed my mind
I heard it on the radio
And if everyone else heard this
They wouldn't be so sad
It was the best I ever had
It was the best I ever had
I remember April '94
September '96
And every day of '99 (all of '99)
Whether I waited for those records
Or helped Seattle cry
It was the best I ever had
And I know we'll never die
Yeah we were right about it
We'd be lost without it
Yeah what could ever take that?
I miss it too
And I miss the songs we knew
And if I could go back
I'd do it all again
It was the best I ever had
While the world was waking up and
Putting on their suits
I was planning my escape
And when I had that conversation
With my mom and dad
I said I'm never looking back
It was the best I ever had
And they were wrong about us
We showed them not to doubt us
Yeah what could ever take that?
I miss it too
And I miss the songs we knew
And if I could go back
I'd do it all again
It was the best I ever had
I'd do it all again
I've been everywhere now
Searching far and wide
But she was down the street
She looked just like an angel
Flying down to me
But I was underground
Where the devil comes to feed
And everything felt so right
I could show it to do wrong
But she taught me everything
And I don't know where she is now
But I'll never forget
She was the best I ever had
Or ever will again
The best I ever had
And if everyone else heard this
They wouldn't be so sad
It was the best I ever had
all my bags are packed down
i'm ready to go
i'm standing here
outside your door
i hate to wake you up to say good bye
but the dawn is breaking
its early morn
the taxi is waiting
he's blowing his horn
already i'm so lonesome i could die
CHORUS
So kiss me and smile for me
tell me that you'll wait for me
hold me like you'll never let me go
'cause i'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when i'll be back again
oh babe, i hate to go*
there's so many times I've let you down
so many times I've played around
i tell you now they don't mean a thing
every place i go i think of you
every song i sing i sing for you
when i come back
i'll wear your wedding ring
CHORUS
and now the time has come to leave you
one more time
oh let me kiss you
then close your eyes
and i'll be on my way
dream about the days to come
when i won't have to leave alone
about the times when i won't have to say...
CHORUS
i'm leaving on a jet plane
don't know when i'll be back again
oh babe, i hate to go
i'm leaving on a jet plane
leaving on a jet plane x 9
i'm ready to go
i'm standing here
outside your door
i hate to wake you up to say good bye
but the dawn is breaking
its early morn
the taxi is waiting
he's blowing his horn
already i'm so lonesome i could die
CHORUS
So kiss me and smile for me
tell me that you'll wait for me
hold me like you'll never let me go
'cause i'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when i'll be back again
oh babe, i hate to go*
there's so many times I've let you down
so many times I've played around
i tell you now they don't mean a thing
every place i go i think of you
every song i sing i sing for you
when i come back
i'll wear your wedding ring
CHORUS
and now the time has come to leave you
one more time
oh let me kiss you
then close your eyes
and i'll be on my way
dream about the days to come
when i won't have to leave alone
about the times when i won't have to say...
CHORUS
i'm leaving on a jet plane
don't know when i'll be back again
oh babe, i hate to go
i'm leaving on a jet plane
leaving on a jet plane x 9
1. Hard Work
“God gives every bird a worm, but he does not throw it into the nest.” –Swedish ProverbSuccess requires hard work. If you’re not working very hard, you’re probably not on the path to success; you may be on a treadmill. It takes hard work to succeed. It takes enough discipline to create the right habits, an attitude that doesn’t relent, and a work ethic that few are willing to bear.
2. Take Responsibility
“Possession of the ball is the key to winning in football, basketball, and the game of life.”–Laing Burns, Jr.
In the game of life you have the ball. Don’t try to give the ball to fate, luck, or chance. Take the ball and play the game.
Can you even decide the game you play? You have the ball, you decide the game, life has been set up for you to win!
3. Act Like You Can’t Fail
“Act as though it is impossible to fail.” –AnonymousI didn’t say failure was impossible, but you should act like it is. I didn’t say you wouldn’t fail, but you should act like you won’t. Why? Because your attitude will ultimately determine your altitude. If you see yourself as a success, you will eventually succeed. Act like the successful do, don’t be timid or shy; play like you’re going to win the game.
4. Fail Miserably
“Unless you’re willing to have a go, fail miserably, and have another go, success won’t happen.” –Phillip AdamsIt’s okay to fail; it’s even okay to fail miserably. The only way to success is on the path of failure. When you fall, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, learn from your mistakes and keep moving. You have time to succeed. If you stay focused in an area where you’re passionate, and where you have a natural advantage, you will succeed.
5. Plan and Succeed
“An Unfailing Success Plan: At each day’s end write down the six most important things to do tomorrow; number them in order of importance, and then do them.” –AnonymousThis is the recipe for success. Plan your days and then complete your plans. I would be remiss not to mention that you should complete the most important tasks first. These are the ones you usually don’t want to do because they require you to leave your comfort zone. But growth only occurs when you’re uncomfortable, get accustomed to being uncomfortable. Get comfortable being uncomfortable, soon you will grow, soon you will succeed.
In Closing
Dell Crossword said, “Success is not permanent. The same is also true of failure.” If you’ve failed in the past, that doesn’t mean you have to fail in the future. If you follow the steps in this article you will begin to succeed. Make sure you work in an area that makes you happy, ensure you work towards your passion, and one day, that which you seek, you will find.
Thank you for reading and be sure to pass this article along!
If you want to achieve success and make things happen, then you probably know that you need to have the ability to motivate yourself. Everyone seeks to motivate himself to achieve success and prosperity, but many do not know how.
How do you motivate yourself?
To learn how to motivate yourself, follow the quick guide below:
1. Have a reason
One of the strongest motives to motivate yourself is that you have a reason. This reason will inspire you and make you do whatever it takes to challenge all of the obstacles, so you can achieve your goals. If your desire and reasons are normal, then you might get motivated temporarily. The strong desires that make you think and dwell on your goals are the strong motives that will keep you moving forward.
2. Have a great goal
Have a goal that you want to achieve. Having a great goal is crucial because it is very difficult to motivate yourself if you don’t have a specific goal that you want to accomplish.
3. Have a specific plan
If you fail to plan, others will plan for you. Make a plan to achieve your goals. Be flexible, so you can change the plan if you need to if you encounter an obstacle.
4. Start with small steps
To get to where you want to be requires serious effort. You need to start taking small steps, so you can get to where you want to be. Once started, it will become easy for you to continue moving forward.
5. Do not compare yourself with others
Comparing yourself with others is an effective way if you want to become frustrated. It will kill your motivation. Even if you began with enthusiasm, you will lose energy quickly if you start to only focus on what others accomplished.
6. Procrastination is your enemy
When you procrastinate, it will slow down your progress. It is ok to take some time to rest, but to stay procrastinating every day will harm your progress. Leave your comfort zone and motivate yourself to accomplish every task you have to do.
7. Learn from your previous mistakes
When you keep focusing on your previous mistakes, you are killing your motivation. Learning from your mistakes can help motivate you since you know what to avoid. Today is a new day. Motivate yourself, so you can achieve what you want and deserve.
Always remember what Elbert Green Hubbard said, “Character is the result of two things: mental attitude and the way we spend our time.”
‘”Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life thinking it is stupid.” Albert Einstein.Ever been told you’re a perfectionist, too sensitive or that you dream or think too much?
To have a high degree of creative intelligence is a gift — but because our society, schools and workplaces privilege more conventional and conformist intelligences, it is not always experienced that way. If you, or your nearest and dearest, do not understand what it means to becreatively intelligent, in everyday terms, a great deal of suffering can ensue.
“In a society that doesn’t appreciate them, creative abilities are often labeled and experienced as liabilities,” says Mary Taylor, LCSW, of the Creative Intelligence Centre. “Highly creative people often face a lifetime of hardship and psychological pain because they do not see themselves or their abilities clearly. The abilities of highly creative people are frequently hidden under…emotional, occupational andrelationship difficulties.”
While the [creative] person is all too aware of their problems, they are often unaware of their abilities. This, allied with the fact that they live in a society that prefers linear, rational thinking and behaviour, makes them try to fit into situations that don’t suit them — and thenblame themselves when that doesn’t work out. Hence: “I’m too sensitive”; “I’m too much of a perfectionist”; “I think too much”.
These erroneous conclusions can do “major damage” to self image, says Taylor, and ”attempts made at correcting a problem from this vantage point are frequently unsuccessful because the initial interpretation was in error. Their deepest turmoil often stems from the fact that although they feel they are capable, they are unable to bring their talents into the world in a recognizable or tangible form. They often feel confused in their attempts to figure this ‘puzzle’ out.”
Over time, self-blame and lack of understanding leads many bright, creative people into marginalized lives as adults — underemployed,dissatisfied and often in tremendous psychological pain.
First Stage Problems (Issues that stem directly from the ability itself)
- Depression caused by a lack of creative and intellectual fulfillment – environments which are creatively or intellectually under-stimulating.
- Feeling overwhelmed by the difficulties of managing high ideaphoria and divergent thinking patterns – a high flow of ideas and the capacity to process thoughts on multiple levels simultaneously.
- Sensory overload resulting in anxiety, irritability and fatigue brought on by the combination of strong sensory skills and environmental stimulation.
- “Am I really ‘obsessive compulsive’ or do my finely tuned visual abilities mandate I create an environment of visual beauty and order?”
- “Do I actually have a biochemical depression, or am I an imaginative person living among a plethora of concrete thinkers?”
- “Do I have ADHD or am I attempting to physically keep up with my numerous ideas and interests through multiple projects and activities?”
- Identity Problems – Many highly creative people accept mistaken notions about themselves including beliefs of being “too sensitive,” “too emotional,” “too much of a perfectionist,” “thinking too much,” and having “too many ideas.” These negative descriptions can result in damage to one’s self image and failure to identify the raw ability that may behidden under the perceived problem.
- Adjustment Problems – Many highly creative people struggle because they do not see themselves or their abilities clearly. This can result in the experience of going from job to job or relationship to relationship and wandering through life desperately looking for a purpose.
- Academic Problems – Highly creative individuals often have aptitudes that lie outside the realm of standardized tests, which typically favour linear thinking and the logical/mathematical and linguistic aptitudes. Academic problems can also stem from a lack of compatibility between learning style and teaching style. For example, when a linear-thinking teacher expects a divergent-thinking student to solve a problem using a step-by-step approach, while excluding inductive and intuitive problem-solving methods.
- Medical Conditions – “In my psychotherapy practice, I have witnessed a high correlation between individuals with multiple creative aptitudes and the existence of certain types of medical conditions, most often in the form of allergies, immune deficiencies, thyroid problems and metabolic disorders,” says Taylor.
What is Creative Intelligence?
Creatively intelligent people don’t necessarily work as writers or artists or in any field labelled ‘creative’. Many work “regular” jobs and may not think of themselves as creative at all. Creative intelligence has little to do with particular activities and more to do with a way of meeting and understanding life. I define it is “the ability to engage intention and attention in a way that goes beyond the given”.
Applying our creative intelligence invites us to keep both heart and eyes wide open to the emerging moment. We’d all be more creative if we paid less attention to the surfaces, our doings and achievements, our ambitions and desires; and more attention to the depths, the hidden forces and faculties that lie within ourselves and others, within all things and all experiences. We insist on burnishing our worries and wants and wishes, until we are blind to what’s in front of our eyes.
We insist on resounding our opinions, until we’ve drowned out the whispers of our hearts. So we fail to see the true visions, to hear the sound of other spheres. And the eternal stream folds back into the infinite nothing, from whence it came, having flowed past our skin instead of through our blood.
Are You Highly Creative?
Use the questionnaire below to examine more deeply how you have experienced this ability in your life — particularly when the ability has been labeled a liability. What was going on in those times? Did you blame yourself? If you look back through the lens of seeing yourself as a highly creative person, with an unrecognized gift, how does that change your perception of the event?
For best results, take a notebook and pen and F-R-E-E-Write your answers to those questions.
Do you feel different from those around you or that you are on a different “path” than most?
Have you been told you “think too much” or are “too much of a perfectionist”?
Do/did your schoolteachers berate you for daydreaming or staring out the window?
Were you told you were too ”giddy” or “disruptive” at school?
Do you experience a level of imaginative activity that few around you seem to understand?
Do you believe you have “too many” interests?
Have you been told you are “overly emotional”?
Do you go from project to project?
Do you carry a lot of unfinished projects in your mind?
Do you sometimes feel overwhelmed by the numerous ideas and projects you generate?
Are you more affected than others seem to be by environmental stimuli, e.g the weather, bright lights, loud music, other people’s moods?
Have you been told you are “too sensitive”?
Do you feel dissatisfied and unfulfilled in many of your relationships?
Do people frequently ask you for advice — while you feel there is no one who understands you?
Do you believe you are not achieving what you could be in your work, despite a high degree of competence, ability and experience (and perhaps achievement too)?
If you answered “Yes” to more than 3 of these questions, you are indeed highly creative.
The truth about affirmations:
With all of these books around touting the benefits of affirmations, Psychologists became curious to know whether they actually worked.
They brought together many different subjects, having various degrees of self confidence and told them to repeat positive statements about their self confidence such as “I am confident” and “I am worthy”
What was found is that confident people felt more confident after the experiment while those who lacked confidence felt even worse.
The explanation is simple, when you repeat a statement that matches your inner belief system your subconscious mind will be reminded of the statement and will let you feel good if it was a positive one, on the other hand if you tried to force your subconscious mind to believe in something against its belief system it will sense the deception and so make you feel guilty.
We are not the same:
Read as much as you can about happiness and you will find that most of the sources describe happiness in a different way. Some people will tell you that true happiness is in success, others will tell you that its in fame a third group will tell you that true happiness is being rich.
Everyone describes happiness from his own perspective without putting in mind that humans, unlike ants, are completely different and that what makes Sam happy would never make Sarah happy.
The conclusions is, everyone has his own belief system and according to it his own true happiness differs from others. The key to becoming truly happy to first understand the things that really make you happy then go on a quest to bring them.
Happiness and unmet needs:
If a person lived his life suffering from poverty then became a millionaire he will be the happiest man ever (provided that money was his only problem). Research has shown that normal people who win the lottery return back to their original mood after getting used to it but those who have financial unmet needs never get used to the things they missed in the past.
Happiness In short can be achieved by understanding your unmet needs and working on fulfilling them. If your unmet need is intimacy then money, fame or positive thinking won’t make you happy but only intimate relationships will.
Find your unmet needs, work on fulfilling them and you will discover real happiness. If you are Hungary then nothing will make you feel good except eating and if you tried to drink instead of eating you will still feel Hungary.
Happiness is the absence of bad emotions:
Happiness can also be defined as the absence of bad emotions. If you had a fight with one of your friends in the morning you are less likely to feel happy that day because of the anger you experienced.
Many of us follow life styles that promote stress, anger, frustration and other bad emotions. Even if emotions weren’t intense still they would never allow you to feel happy if they existed.
You must learn how to avoid stress, negative people, unneeded quarrels and any other source of negative emotions that can be avoided.
Happiness and incorrectly set priorities:
Ask anybody about his priorities and he will tell you that happiness is one of them, ask him about the things that he does in life and he will reply saying that he hates most of them.
How many people work at jobs that they hate then claim that happiness is a priority in their life?
How many people stay in abusive relationships yet claim that they want to live a happy life?
If you really want to be happy then happiness must be considered a priority that has an impact on the decisions you make in your life.
To summarize this all, becoming happy is all about understanding what makes you happy then doing it and knowing what makes you feel bad then avoiding it.
You’ve probably heard the old saying
“The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.”Perhaps you feel like it’s true. You look at other people’s lives, and you envy them. They seem to be doing so much better than you. They’ve got a great job. Lots of money. A happy home life.
They seem to have it all. And you can’t help wishing that you did, too.But none of us ever really know what it’s like to live someone else’s life. Sure, your friends might be spending lots of money on dinners out, booze, fancy gadgets … but for all you know, they’re deep in debt, or working long hours in jobs they hate.
No-one’s life is perfect – whatever it looks like from the outside.
Plus, it’s a safe bet that some of your friends are looking at your life and thinking very similar things. Maybe they envy your dull but predictable job – you’re home on time every night. Maybe they see your great relationship with your spouse and kids – and they’d rather have that than any amount of money.
Whatever state your life is in, you’ve got a lot of good things. You just need to recognize them again.
Enjoy What You Have
One of the best ways to love your current life is to write a list of things you’re grateful for. It doesn’t matter if they seem small or insignificant: little everyday moments of happiness count.You might think of:
- People who you’re grateful for – your family, friends, housemates, co-workers…
- Treats which you enjoy – the smell of fresh coffee, the taste of dark chocolate, a long bath after a hard day…
- Things which make your day easier – the dishwasher, online grocery shopping, fast internet access at work…
- Anything special which you’ve grown accustomed to – your wedding ring, your smartphone, a favorite coat…
- Happy moments – chatting with a friend, something which made you laugh, playing with your kids…
Focus on the Good Points
When we’re thinking about future goals and ambitions, it’s easy to end up in quite a negative mood about the present. Perhaps you start thinking through all the things you want to change in your life: losing weight, getting fit, quitting smoking, switching jobs…As well as thinking of what you might want to change, look at the areas of your life which are currently good. Maybe:
- You get on well with your colleagues at work, and you’ve got a good relationship with your boss
- You’ve got some real strengths – like being able to establish a quick connection with clients, and being organised
- Your house is set up pretty much how you want it – there might not be loads of space, but it feels like home
- You’ve got some hobbies you really enjoy
Live in the Moment
It’s appropriate to plan for the future, and to learn from the past – but it’s not a good idea to constantly have your mind on how “things will be better next year when…” or on “life was so much better last year because…”Being able to live in the moment means appreciating what’s around you. It’s about having your attention on now, instead of reminiscing about what’s already gone, or worrying about what’s yet to come.
Living in the moment means:
- Enjoying your days off, without constantly thinking about Monday morning.
- Listening when someone’s talking to you, and being fully present in the conversation.
- Taking time to stop and watch a beautiful sunset, or to enjoy the smell of fresh-mown grass.
- Eating your meals more mindfully – instead of grabbing a sandwich on the run.
What are you grateful for, in your life? What’s already good? How can you appreciate all of it just a bit more?
An SNL video has been circulating the interwebs called Don’t Buy Stuff You Can’t Afford. The title basically says it all: an expert explains the most important rule of personal finance — spend less than you earn.
The funny part is that the people listening to the pitch don’t want to believe it. They’re dying for the finance guru to tell them how to buy everything they want right now.
The joke works because it reflects real behavior. A product can be an obvious scam, but people will rush to buy it because they enjoy believing pleasant lies. People pay for the pleasure of being deceived. For a brief period they can believe in an easy answer. The best part of the purchase is waiting for it to arrive, full of optimism and excitement.
It doesn’t even matter if a lie is particularly convincing or not. As long as it’s appealing there will probably be people desperate enough to cling to it. Our own desire for easy solutions does more to sell a product than the salesman.
To make good decisions it’s important to understand our natural tendency to deceive ourselves. Next time you get excited about something, step back for a second and try to identify the reason. Is it from genuine evidence, or the belief that you’ve finally found that missing puzzle piece that’s been holding you back?
Easy answers are exciting because they remove the burden of responsibility. Great! I don’t need to worry about my problems anymore! All I have to do is wait for the solution to be delivered and follow instructions.
If only life were that easy. Self deception inevitably feeds back into the cycle of disappointment, desperation, and delusion. We’re better off being brutally honest with ourselves.
Action is what we’re really afraid of. It’s uncomfortable and risky. It takes time and it doesn’t always work. But action is the foundational key to all success. Instead of looking for flashy new answers, take the simple ones you already have (they’re probably the best) and start taking action.
Look well into thyself; there is a source of strength which will always spring up if thou wilt always look there. — Marcus Aurelius
I remember when I was ten years old, we were asked to write an essay on ‘My best friend’. I thought for a while about all my friends that I had and tried to find out one who knew everything about me. Surprisingly, in a group of very close friends there was no one who knew everything about me. None of them knew anything about how I felt at home and how desperately I wanted to grow up and much more. And few who knew.. never understood it thoroughly. After brief rumination, I realized that I was my own Best Friend as only I knew about my life completely. Hence, I wrote about myself and got a zero as my teacher thought I wrote the essay on ‘Myself’ and not on ‘My Best Friend’.
I have always been a very affable and friendly person and thus making friends was never difficult for me, then and even now. But whenever the thought of my best friend comes to my mind, I can confidently proclaim that ‘my self’ is my best friend.
Whenever I need someone to talk to, I turn to myself. My inner soul gives me the accurate answers to my questions. I ask myself about my actions, needs, desires and capabilities. And I get the right answers and reasons! Only thing needed here to carry on with the conversation is – honesty.
One has to be brutally honest with oneself if one wants to talk to ones inner self. Be firm about your questions, don’t evade even the most elusive ones because in most certainty you will find answers to all the doubts and all the questions you pose to your conscious.
Here are five things you need to do to be able to carry out an excogitative conservation.
1) Build a relationship with your inner self – we all have different relationships with different people. But do we have a relationship with our own self? If yes, what kind is it? Do we love ourselves? Or is our inner soul our best friend? Do we bully our conscious with our actions or do we keep preaching it new things by reflexive activities? Figure out the type of your relationship and improve it. Build a rapport where your soul is free to talk to you fearlessly.
2) Be honest – while seeking answers, try to recollect even the minuscule detail and accept the reality. Be true and genuine and try to reason with full honesty. You will get the right reasons and the absolute answers.
3) Take a moment with yourself – your inner self may not be comfortable everywhere and that is the reason many a times we say ‘I don’t know what I want..’ or ‘I am not able to get an answer’. Go to a place that gives you peace. Maybe on the roof top under the sky, a beach, next to a water lake, under a tree, in a dark room, while walking on the road or anywhere. Only you know which place lets you talk freely to your self.
4) Ask questions – excruciate yourself with all the questions you have in mind. Don’t just ask ‘yes’ or ‘no’ questions. Ask why you did something or why you want something. Get answers to questions like what if you had done it differently, how could you not do it, would you do it again etc.
5) Respect your inner self – there is no use of letting your conscious speak, if you do not listen to it. Because if you disobey your inner voice few times, it stops talking to you. So, start venerating your soul’s voice and next time whenever you try to listen to your heart, actually LISTEN to it.
After all, myself is nothing but my ‘self’ is all!
Perhaps the worst thing about love is that the higher it is, the harder the fall when the relationship sours. We dream of perfect love when we’re adolescents, but as life goes on, we go through many relationships and as many breakups; it’s only a few who find lifelong happiness with their first love – others have to find ways to get out of the depression that wraps around you when a relationship goes awry and your heart feels like it’s never going to be whole again, and learn to trust and love in the course of time.
If you’re moping around after a breakup, here’s how you can find inspiration to see blue skies again
1. Break free:
The tendency to go back and beg your erstwhile partner to take you back will be overwhelming, but remember that it’s just not worth it if you do so. They broke up with you for a reason, so you must protect yourself from further hurt by staying away from them and breaking free completely.
2. Understand yourself:
You will go through periods of intense sadness, anger and denial, and these emotions will make you act out of character; but if you are aware of your
emotions and understand them, it’s easier to control them and prevent them from making you do things you will later regret.
3. Stay busy:
The panacea for a broken heart is a busy mind and a tired body; so throw yourself into work even though you don’t really feel like working, and focus all your energy into your professional life. The success you achieve will make you feel much better about yourself, and it signifies the beginning of the healing process – it inspires you to concentrate on work and forget the breakup you’ve just been through.
4. Talk to someone:
Crying and talking about emotional pain are the most cathartic ways to get rid of the heavy feeling that plagues your insides, so don’t hold back your tears or zip your lips about your breakup. Call a close friend who you are comfortable with, or talk to a professional psychologist to help you get through the feelings of depression and pain.
5. Don’t rush into another relationship:
It’s very easy to succumb to the feeling of wanting to be loved and needed and get into another relationship too quickly and for the wrong
reasons when you’ve just broken up with a significant other. However, this could only make you feel worse, especially if you’re not comfortable with one-night stands or short-term flings. So take stock of your emotional state, and know what you want in the aftermath of a breakup.
6. Don’t seek refuge in alcohol or drugs:
It’s tempting to want to drink yourself stupid and forget all that is happening around you, but alcohol makes you do idiotic things you’re bound to regret, and also gives you a major hangover which ruins the next day completely. Also, you run the risk of becoming an addict. If you find trouble sleeping, get an hour or so of exercise to tire you out, or seek out the company of friends and family and spend time with them – alcohol causes more problems than it brings solutions.
7. Take each day at a time:
Time is the greatest healer, so don’t look too far ahead into the future and worry about what it holds. Instead, take each day as it comes, and find
something to look forward to in the short term – it could be a vacation you’ve planned with friends, a reunion with family, a promotion at work, or just dinner out at your favorite restaurant. Life is made up of these little moments that add to our wellbeing, not just the larger than life ones that cause both immense happiness and unbearable pain.
It’s not easy to get over a broken heart, but if you believe that you are strong enough and keep yourself occupied, time does the rest.
If you want to make things happen the ability to motivate yourself and others is a crucial skill. At work, home, and everywhere in between, people use motivation to get results. Motivation requires a delicate balance of communication, structure, and incentives.
1. Consequences – Never use threats. They’ll turn people against you. But making people aware of the negative consequences of not getting results (for everyone involved) can have a big impact. This one is also big for self motivation. If you don’t get your act together, will you ever get what you want?
2. Pleasure – This is the old carrot on a stick technique. Providing pleasurable rewards creates eager and productive people.
3. Performance incentives – Appeal to people’s selfish nature. Give them the opportunity to earn more for themselves by earning more for you.
4. Detailed instructions – If you want a specific result, give specific instructions. People work better when they know exactly what’s expected.
5. Short and long term goals – Use both short and long term goals to guide the action process and create an overall philosophy.
6. Kindness – Get people on your side and they’ll want to help you. Piss them off and they’ll do everything they can to screw you over.
7. Deadlines – Many people are most productive right before a big deadline. They also have a hard time focusing until that deadline is looming overhead. Use this to your advantage by setting up a series of mini-deadlines building up to an end result.
8. Team Spirit – Create an environment of camaraderie. People work more effectively when they feel like part of team — they don’t want to let others down.
10. Recognize achievement – Make a point to recognize achievements one-on-one and also in group settings. People like to see that their work isn’t being ignored.
11. Personal stake – Think about the personal stake of others. What do they need? By understanding this you’ll be able to keep people happy and productive.
12. Concentrate on outcomes – No one likes to work with someone standing over their shoulder. Focus on outcomes — make it clear what you want and cut people loose to get it done on their own.
13. Trust and Respect – Give people the trust and respect they deserve and they’ll respond to requests much more favorably.
14. Create challenges – People are happy when they’re progressing towards a goal. Give them the opportunity to face new and difficult problems and they’ll be more enthusiastic.
15. Let people be creative – Don’t expect everyone to do things your way. Allowing people to be creative creates a more optimistic environment and can lead to awesome new ideas.
16. Constructive criticism – Often people don’t realize what they’re doing wrong. Let them know. Most people want to improve and will make an effort once they know how to do it.
17. Demand improvement – Don’t let people stagnate. Each time someone advances raise the bar a little higher (especially for yourself).
18. Make it fun – Work is most enjoyable when it doesn’t feel like work at all. Let people have fun and the positive environment will lead to better results.
19. Create opportunities – Give people the opportunity to advance. Let them know that hard work will pay off.
20. Communication – Keep the communication channels open. By being aware of potential problems you can fix them before a serious dispute arises.
21. Make it stimulating – Mix it up. Don’t ask people to do the same boring tasks all the time. A stimulating environment creates enthusiasm and the opportunity for “big picture” thinking.
The clothes you wear. The food you eat. The color of your bedroom walls. Where you go and how you get there. The people you hang with. What time you go to bed.
What do these things have in common, you're asking? They're just a few examples of the many hundreds of things that your parents controlled for you when you were a child. As a kid, you didn't have a say in very much that went on; your parents made decisions about everything from the cereal you ate in the morning to the pajamas you wore at night. And it's a good thing, too — kids need this kind of protection and assistance because they aren't mature enough to take care of themselves and make careful decisions on their own.
But eventually, kids grow up and become teens. And part of being a teen is developing your own identity — one that is separate from your parents'. It's totally normal for teens to create their own opinions, thoughts, and values about life; it's what prepares them for adulthood.
But as you change and grow into this new person who makes his or her own decisions, your parents may have a difficult time adjusting. They aren't used to the new you yet — they only know you as the kid who had everything decided for you and didn't mind.
In most families, it's this adjustment that can cause a lot of fighting between teens and parents. You want to cover your walls with posters; they don't understand why you don't like your kiddie wallpaper anymore. You think it's OK to hang at the mall every day after school; they would rather that you play a sport.
Clashes like these are very common between teens and parents — teens get angry because they feel parents don't respect them and aren't giving them space to do what they like, and parents get angry because they aren't used to not being in control or they disagree with the teens' decisions.
It's easy for feelings to get very hurt when there are conflicts like these. And more complicated issues — like the types of friends you have or your attitudes about sex and partying — can cause even bigger arguments, because your parents will always be intent on prot
ecting you and keeping you safe, no matter how oldyou are
The Upside
The good news about fighting with your parents is that in many families the arguing will lessen as parents get more comfortable with the idea that their teen has a right to certain opinions and an identity that may be different from theirs.It can take several years for parents and teens to adjust to their new roles, though. In the meantime, concentrate on communicating with your parents as best you can.
Sometimes this can feel impossible — like they just don't see your point of view and never will. But talking and expressing your opinions can help you gain more respect from your parents, and you may be able to reach compromises that make everyone happy. For example, if you are willing to clean your room in order to stay out an hour later, both you and your parents walk away with a good deal.
Keep in mind, too, that your parents were teens once and that, in most cases, they can relate to what you're going through.
Reviewed by: D'Arcy Lyness, PhD
The roller coaster hesitates for a split second at the peak of its steep track after a long, slow climb. You know what's about to happen — and there's no way to avoid it now. It's time to hang onto the handrail, palms sweating, heart racing, and brace yourself for the wild ride down.
What Is Fear?
Fear is one of the most basic human emotions. It is programmed into the nervous system and works like an instinct. From the time we're infants, we are equipped with the survival instincts necessary to respond with fear when we sense danger or feel unsafe.
Fear helps protect us. It makes us alert to danger and prepares us to deal with it. Feeling afraid is very natural — and helpful — in some situations. Fear can be like a warning, a signal that cautions us to be careful.
Like all emotions, fear can be mild, medium, or intense, depending on the situation and the person. A feeing of fear can be brief or it can last longer.
How Fear Works
When we sense danger, the brain reacts instantly, sending signals that activate the nervous system. This causes physical responses, such as a faster heartbeat, rapid breathing, and an increase in blood pressure. Blood pumps to muscle groups to prepare the body for physical action (such as running or fighting). Skin sweats to keep the body cool. Some people might notice sensations in the stomach, head, chest, legs, or hands. These physical sensations of fear can be mild or strong.This response is known as "fight or flight" because that is exactly what the body is preparing itself to do: fight off the danger or run fast to get away. The body stays in this state of fight-flight until the brain receives an "all clear" message and turns off the response.
Sometimes fear is triggered by something that is startling or unexpected (like a loud noise), even if it's not actually dangerous. That's because the fear reaction is activated instantly — a few seconds faster than the thinking part of the brain can process or evaluate what's happening. As soon as the brain gets enough information to realize there's no danger ("Oh, it's just a balloon bursting — whew!"), it turns off the fear reaction. All this can happen in seconds.
Fears People Have
Fear is the word we use to describe our emotional reaction to something that seems dangerous. But the word "fear" is used in another way, too: to name something a person often feels afraid of.People fear things or situations that make them feel unsafe or unsure. For instance, someone who isn't a strong swimmer might have a fear of deep water. In this case, the fear is helpful because it cautions the person to stay safe. Someone could overcome this fear by learning how to swim safely.
A fear can be healthy if it cautions a person to stay safe around something that could be dangerous. But sometimes a fear is unnecessary and causes more caution than the situation calls for.
Many people have a fear of public speaking. Whether it's giving a report in class, speaking at an assembly, or reciting lines in the school play, speaking in front of others is one of the most common fears people have.
People tend to avoid the situations or things they fear. But this doesn't help them overcome fear — in fact, it can be the reverse. Avoiding something scary reinforces a fear and keeps it strong.
People can overcome unnecessary fears by giving themselves the chance to learn about and gradually get used to the thing or situation they're afraid of. For example, people who fly despite a fear of flying can become used to unfamiliar sensations like takeoff or turbulence. They learn what to expect and have a chance to watch what others do to relax and enjoy the flight. Gradually (and safely) facing fear helps someone overcome it.
Fears During Childhood
Certain fears are normal during childhood. That's because fear can be a natural reaction to feeling unsure and vulnerable — and much of what children experience is new and unfamiliar.Young kids often have fears of the dark, being alone, strangers, and monsters or other scary imaginary creatures. School-aged kids might be afraid when it's stormy or at a first sleepover. As they grow and learn, with the support of adults, most kids are able to slowly conquer these fears and outgrow them.
Some kids are more sensitive to fears and may have a tough time overcoming them. When fears last beyond the expected age, it might be a sign that someone is overly fearful, worried, or anxious. People whose fears are too intense or last too long might need help and support to overcome them.
Phobias
A phobia is an intense fear reaction to a particular thing or a situation. With a phobia, the fear is out of proportion to the potential danger. But to the person with the phobia, the danger feels real because the fear is so very strong.
Phobias cause people to worry about, dread, feel upset by, and avoid the things or situations they fear because the physical sensations of fear can be so intense. So having a phobia can interfere with normal activities. A person with a phobia of dogs might feel afraid to walk to school in case he or she sees a dog on the way. Someone with an elevator phobia might avoid a field trip if it involves going on an elevator.
A girl with a phobia of thunderstorms might be afraid to go to school if the weather forecast predicts a storm. She might feel terrible distress and fear when the sky turns cloudy. A guy with social phobia experiences intense fear of public speaking or interacting, and may be afraid to answer questions in class, give a report, or speak to classmates in the lunchroom.
It can be exhausting and upsetting to feel the intense fear that goes with having a phobia. It can be disappointing to miss out on opportunities because fear is holding you back. And it can be confusing and embarrassing to feel afraid of things that others seem to have no problem with.
Sometimes, people get teased about their fears. Even if the person doing the teasing doesn't mean to be unkind and unfair, teasing only makes the situation worse.
What Causes Phobias?
Some phobias develop when someone has a scary experience with a particular thing or situation. A tiny brain structure called the amygdala (pronounced: uh-mig-duh-luh) keeps track of experiences that trigger strong emotions. Once a certain thing or situation triggers a strong fear reaction, the amygdala warns the person by triggering a fear reaction every time he or she encounters (or even thinks about) that thing or situation.Someone might develop a bee phobia after being stung during a particularly scary situation. For that person, looking at a photograph of a bee, seeing a bee from a distance, or even walking near flowers where there could be a bee can all trigger the phobia.
Sometimes, though, there may be no single event that causes a particular phobia. Some people may be more sensitive to fears because of personality traits they are born with, certain genes they've inherited, or situations they've experienced. People who have had strong childhood fears or anxiety may be more likely to have one or more phobias.
Having a phobia isn't a sign of weakness or immaturity. It's a response the brain has learned in an attempt to protect the person. It's as if the brain's alert system triggers a false alarm, generating intense fear that is out of proportion to the situation. Because the fear signal is so intense, the person is convinced the danger is greater than it actually is.
Overcoming Phobias
People can learn to overcome phobias by gradually facing their fears. This is not easy at first. It takes willingness and bravery. Sometimes people need the help of a therapist to guide them through the process.Overcoming a phobia usually starts with making a long list of the person's fears in least-to-worst order. For example, with a dog phobia, the list might start with the things the person is least afraid of, such as looking at a photo of a dog. It will then work all the way up to worst fears, such as standing next to someone who's petting a dog, petting a dog on a leash, and walking a dog.
Gradually, and with support, the person tries each fear situation on the list — one at a time, starting with the least fear. The person isn't forced to do anything and works on each fear until he or she feels comfortable, taking as long as needed.
A therapist could also show someone with a dog phobia how to approach, pet, and walk a dog, and help the person to try it, too. The person may expect terrible things to happen when near a dog. Talking about this can help, too. When people find that what they fear doesn't actually turn out to be true, it can be a great relief.
A therapist might also teach relaxation practices such as specific ways of breathing, muscle relaxation training, or soothing self-talk. These can help people feel comfortable and bold enough to face the fears on their list.
As somebody gets used to a feared object or situation, the brain adjusts how it responds and the phobia is overcome.
Often, the hardest part of overcoming a phobia is getting started. Once a person decides to go for it — and gets the right coaching and support — it can be surprising how quickly fear can melt away.
Reviewed by: D'Arcy Lyness, PhD
It's natural to feel self-conscious, nervous, or shy in front of others at times. Anyone can have a racing heart, sweaty palms, or fluttering stomach when trying out for chorus, asking someone on a first date, or giving a class presentation.
Most people manage to get through these moments when they need to. But for some, the anxiety that goes with feeling shy or self-conscious can be extreme. It can seem so unbearable that they might feel too nervous to give answers in class, be unable to make eye contact with classmates in the hallway, or avoid chatting with others at the lunch table.
When people feel so self-conscious and anxious that it prevents them from speaking up or socializing most of the time, it's probably more than shyness. It may be an anxiety condition called social phobia.
What Is Social Phobia?
Social phobia (also sometimes called social anxiety) is a type of anxiety problem. Extreme feelings of shyness and self-consciousness build into a powerful fear. As a result, a person feels uncomfortable participating in everyday social situations.People with social phobia can usually interact easily with family and a few close friends. But meeting new people, talking in a group, or speaking in public can cause their extreme shyness to kick in.
With social phobia, a person's extreme shyness, self-consciousness, and fears of embarrassment get in the way of life. Instead of enjoying social activities, people with social phobia might dread them — and avoid some of them altogether.
The Fear Reaction
Like other phobias, social phobia is a fear reaction to something that isn't actually dangerous — although the body and mind react as if the danger is real. This means that someone feels physical sensations of fear, like a faster heartbeat and breathing. These are part of the body's fight-flight response. They're caused by a rush of adrenaline and other chemicals that prepare the body to either fight or make a quick getaway.This biological mechanism kicks in when we feel afraid. It's a built-in nervous system response that alerts us to danger so we can protect ourselves. With social phobia, this response gets activated too frequently, too strongly, and in situations where it's out of place. Because the physical sensations that go with the response are real — and sometimes quite strong — the danger seems real, too. So the person will react by freezing up, and will feel unable to interact.
As the body experiences these physical sensations, the mind goes through emotions like feeling afraid or nervous.
People with social phobia tend to interpret these sensations and emotions in a way that leads them to avoid the situation ("Uh-oh, my heart's pounding, this must be dangerous — I'd better not do it!"). Someone else might interpret the same physical sensations of nervousness a different way ("OK, that's just my heart beating fast. It's me getting nervous because it's almost my turn to speak. It happens every time. No big deal.").
What Are People With Social Phobia Afraid Of?
With social phobia, a person's fears and concerns are focused on their social performance — whether it's a major class presentation or small talk at the lockers.People with social phobia tend to feel self-conscious and uncomfortable about being noticed or judged by others. They're more sensitive to fears that they'll be embarrassed, look foolish, make a mistake, or be criticized or laughed at. No one wants to experience these things. But most people don't really spend much time worrying about it.
How Social Phobia Can Affect Someone's Life
With social phobia, thoughts and fears about what others think get exaggerated in someone's mind. The person starts to focus on the embarrassing things that could happen, instead of the good things. This makes a situation seem much worse than it is, and influences a person to avoid it.
Some of the ways social phobia can affect someone's life include:
- Feeling lonely or disappointed over missed opportunities for friendship and fun. Social phobia might prevent someone from chatting with friends in the lunchroom, joining an after-school club, going to a party, or asking someone on a date.
- Not getting the most out of school. Social phobia might keep a person from volunteering an answer in class, reading aloud, or giving a presentation. Someone with social phobia might feel too nervous to ask a question in class or go to a teacher for help.
- Missing a chance to share their talents and learn new skills. Social phobia might prevent someone from auditioning for the school play, being in the talent show, trying out for a team, or joining in a service project. Social phobia not only prevents people from trying new things. It also prevents them from making the normal, everyday mistakes that help people improve their skills still further.
Selective Mutism
Some kids and teens are so extremely shy and so fearful about talking to others, that they don't speak at all to certain people (such as a teacher or students they don't know) or in certain places (like at someone else's house). This form of social phobia is sometimes called selective mutism.People with selective mutism can talk. They have completely normal conversations with the people they're comfortable with or in certain places. But other situations cause them such extreme anxiety that they may not be able to bring themselves to talk at all.
Some people might mistake their silence for a stuck-up attitude or rudeness. But with selective mutism and social phobia, silence stems from feeling uncomfortable and afraid, not from being uncooperative, disrespectful, or rude.
Why Do Some People Develop Social Phobia?
Kids, teens, and adults can have social phobia. Most of the time, it starts when a person is young. Like other anxiety-based problems, social phobia develops because of a combination of three factors:- A person's biological makeup. Social phobia could be partly due to the genes and temperament a person inherits. Inherited genetic traits from parents and other relatives can influence how the brain senses and regulates anxiety, shyness, nervousness, and stress reactions. Likewise, some people are born with a shy temperament and tend to be cautious and sensitive in new situations and prefer what's familiar. Most people who develop social phobia have always had a shy temperament.
Not everyone with a shy temperament develops social phobia (in fact, most don't). It's the same with genes. But people who inherit these traits do have an increased chance of developing social phobia. - Behaviors learned from role models (especially parents). A person's naturally shy temperament can be influenced by what he or she learns from role models. If parents or others react by overprotecting a child who is shy, the child won't have a chance to get used to new situations and new people. Over time, shyness can build into social phobia.
Shy parents might also unintentionally set an example by avoiding certain social interactions. A shy child who watches this learns that socializing is uncomfortable, distressing, and something to avoid.
- Life events and experiences. If people born with a cautious nature have stressful experiences, it can make them even more cautious and shy. Feeing pressured to interact in ways they don't feel ready for, being criticized or humiliated, or having other fears and worries can make it more likely for a shy or fearful person to develop social anxiety.
People who constantly receive critical or disapproving reactions may grow to expect that others will judge them negatively. Being teased or bullied will make people who are already shy likely to retreat into their shells even more. They'll be scared of making a mistake or disappointing someone, and will be more sensitive to criticism.
No matter how young or old you are, the term friends forever is something that makes you smile. It might make you think about your first best friend, way back when you were four years old. Or a good friend that you have today that you hope will always be there for you. Friends forever means just that – a friend until the end of time. This is a gift that is very rare indeed, and should be cherished. But even friendships that don't last as long as they are supposed to are amazing gifts as well.
You will have many friendships in your life time and some friendships will grow and change over time. Sometimes you'll have a great circle of friends with whom you enjoy every waking moment. There might be a period of time – from weeks to months to years – in which you are completely inseparable. You share all of your secrets, tell your friend your ultimate desires, and know that no matter what he or she says, you'll be there for them as well. However, gradually, most friendships change. People move on, or grow older, or get involved in different activities that push them away from their friends. This is a perfectly natural part of life – no matter what age you are.
Hopefully, friends that were at one time your best friends will still be friends in time to come, even if you don't talk to them every day, or even every month or year. Some friendships turn out that way – with hardly any communication after the friendship has faded away. However, this is ok, because part of being a friend is knowing when its time to move on to another friendship, or to closer ties with someone else. If you are careful in how you grow apart, and if it isn't a huge fight that ends your friendship, chances are good that your old friends will still be there, somewhere, if you ever need them. A friendship that was at one time a best friendship will rarely disappear entirely, even if both parties grow apart.
There are the friendships that do, indeed, last forever. Sometimes people are friends from a very young age and travel through all of life's paths together. They might stay in the same town, go to the same school, and then end up settling down near each other. Or, they might move away, but stay in such close contact that their friendship never changes. These are rarities, but they are gifts that should be always cherished. True friends, forever friends take dedication and work for many many years, and you must be sure to never break the trust of this type of friend.
Friends forever means that you'll always have friends – even if those friends change with time. Sometimes, a friend can be there for you in your darkest hour, but doesn't end up being there as much for you when the sun comes out. These are friends that are also to be cherished – friends that know when you need them, and then, when you no longer need them as much, move on to someone else who needs them as well. No matter what type of friends you have in your life – cherish the moments when they are truly your best friends. Whether they'll stay that way forever or grow apart a bit, they'll always be there in your heart and will always be a cherished memory.
There are the friendships that do, indeed, last forever. Sometimes people are friends from a very young age and travel through all of life's paths together. They might stay in the same town, go to the same school, and then end up settling down near each other. Or, they might move away, but stay in such close contact that their friendship never changes. These are rarities, but they are gifts that should be always cherished. True friends, forever friends take dedication and work for many many years, and you must be sure to never break the trust of this type of friend.
Friends forever means that you'll always have friends – even if those friends change with time. Sometimes, a friend can be there for you in your darkest hour, but doesn't end up being there as much for you when the sun comes out. These are friends that are also to be cherished – friends that know when you need them, and then, when you no longer need them as much, move on to someone else who needs them as well. No matter what type of friends you have in your life – cherish the moments when they are truly your best friends. Whether they'll stay that way forever or grow apart a bit, they'll always be there in your heart and will always be a cherished memory.
Even if your life is perfect and everything is running like clock work, one day you still may get into trouble or there will be a problem that you will not be able to solve yourself. What you do is call a friend, a person whom you can always rely on. He will never betray you and your secrets, never lie, never deceive. Once you have no way out and problems seem to surround you like enemies, your mind goes blank and the only desire you have is to hide your head in the sand and pretend that you don’t hear or see what is going on. And than he comes, the rescuer, a fresh mind and a strong hand to pull you out to the surface and help you to face your problems. But does your friend correspond to that description?
You are surrounded by a lot of people daily, who claim to be your friends. You spend much time with them thinking of them as friends. But when it comes to help or advice they all seem to disappear, to evaporate suddenly after leaving you with a thousand made up excuses. You feel deceived and have no idea of what to do. Then a thought dawns on you that in your phone book there is still a number of an old friend of yours that you haven’t seen for years now. You know that if you call him and ask for help, he’ll wake up in the middle of the night, lean you all his money, give shelter even he has a family of six to keep. He helped you out in high school studies, provided term paper help, covered your back when you had some of your crazy affairs and never complained when he had been getting in trouble for his help. Being good in writing custom term papers he always seemed to fail his work to try his best to do your work. But there is also strange thing you remember; you didn’t really appreciate all his efforts to help you. They were so numerous that you started to take them for granted and didn’t even pay attention to what had been done for you. It was so weird to see that somebody was ready to help you out of willingness to make your life better, that it was hard to believe that it was so.
Than it was an inseparable part of your friendship. If you are a friend you have to give, do, make and so on. Friendship turned into an exploitation of a person who cares about you. Meanwhile you continue to have fun and relax with others and leave all the difficult things on your friend’s hands. Than suddenly you’ve stopped communicating. After all these years of true friendship your friend disappeared and there was no sign of him for a long time. “Oh well, that wasn’t a big loss”, you think, and continue to live not even trying to find out what has happened. And now you are making a poor show every time you try to improve the situation. There is nobody beside you and you burst into curses, thinking about liars that surround you now. You dial a number of an old friend with shaking hand and pray for him to be there for you. You hear a familiar voice and start explaining, and ask to forgive at the same time. The situation goes back to normal. You feel that everything is going to be alright; your friend is coming to save the day. A minute later you sit in the kitchen drinking coffee and look in your friend’s wise worried eyes. At one moment you turn into a normal person from the idiot. Now you have your friend in your life again.:)
Showing posts with label english. Show all posts
Showing posts with label english. Show all posts
Sunday, September 18, 2011
system thinking
System Thinking
Berpikir Sistem
When you have problem, what do you do? How do you think? Are you trying to cut the problem into smaller pieces then solve each pieces? For example: if you have a melon, then four people want it, each people have their own needs, one may need bigger part than the others, others may just want average part or smaller part. Will you ask one of them, cut it, then ask the others? If so, one will get the rest, that may not meet his/her needs.
Ketika mempunyai masalah, apa yang akan kamu lakukan? Bagaimana menurut kamu? Apakah kamu akan memotong masalah itu menjadi bagian-bagian kecil kemudian memecahkan setiap bagian? Contoh: kalau kamu punya sebuah melon, setiap orang punya kebutuhan masing-masing. Akankah kamu bertanya pada orang pertama berapa banyak yang dibutuhkan, memotongnya, lalu bertanya kepada yang lain? Jika begitu, seseorang akan mendapat sisanya dan sisa itu mungkin tidak mencukupi kebutuhannya (dia mendapat bagian yang tidak adil).
Cara berpikir mempengaruhi tindakan manusia sehari-hari. Russell L. Ackoff, seorang filsuf, berpendapat bahwa ada dua ide utama yang mendasari cara berpikir ilmiah tradisional.
How we think influences human's behaviour everyday. Russell L. Ackoff, a philosopher, thinks that traditionally scientific system thinkings are based on two main ideas.
Ide pertama didasarkan pada pemahaman bahwa semua fenomena dapat diterangkan dengan menggunakan hubungan sebab-akibat yang menyatakan bahwa setiap hal mempunyai penyebab jika penyebab tersebut perlu dan cukup. Cara berpikir ini tidaklah memadai sebab seringkali mustahil bagi kita untuk dapat menemukan hubungan sebab-akibat satu demi satu antar komponen dalam sistem.
First idea is based on understanding about every phenomenon can be explained with cause-effect corelation which says that every thing has a cause if the cause is necessary and sufficient. This system thinking is not enough, because it's often impossible for us to find the cause-effect corelation for every component in the system.
Ide kedua disebut reduksionis yang menyatakan bahwa segala sesuatu yang ada di dunia (serta setiap pengalaman tentang dunia) dapat direduksi, didekomposisi, didisasembli, atau dibagi-bagi sehingga diperoleh bagian yang tak dapat lagi dibagi-bagi. Penyelesaian masalah dari setiap bagian ini dianggap dapat menyelesaikan keseluruhan masalah.
Second idea called reductionist which stated that everything in this world (and every experience about the world) can be reduced, decomposed, disassemblied or divided until it becomes parts that can't be divided anymore. The problem solution for every part is assumed to be able to solve the whole problem.
Coba kita lihat contoh cara berpikir ilmiah reduksionis secara agak ekstrim:
Let's see some examples which are rather extreme:
1. Seorang ayah mengidap penyakit diabetes dan lever (hati). Untuk memecahkan masalah ini, sang anak membagi masalah ini ke dalam dua bagian, yaitu sakit diabetes dan sakit lever. Suatu hari sang anak membawa sang ayah ke dokter ahli penyakit diabetes untuk mengatasi masalah pertama. Keesokan harinya ke dokter ahli penyakit lever untuk mengatasi masalah kedua. Kedua dokter tentu memberi obat yang berbeda, dokter ahli diabetes memberi obat untuk menurunkan kadar gula dalam darah sedangkan dokter ahli lever memberi obat untuk menaikkan kadar gula agar lever dapat berfungsi kembali.
Pada masalah ini, kesalahan ada pada semua pihak, mengapa baik anak maupun orangtuanya tidak memberitahu tiap dokter bahwa ayahnya mempunyai penyakit lain dan mengapa sang dokter tidak menanyakan obat apa yang sedang dikonsumsi oleh sang ayah. Mungkin itulah akibat cara berpikir reduksionis.
1. A father has problems with diabetes and liver. To solve this problem, his son divide this problem into two parts, which is diabetes and liver. One day, his son took him to a doctor to cure his diabetes to solve the first part (the first problem). Another day, his son took him to another doctor to cure his liver to solve the second part (the second problem). Both doctors surely gave different presriptions. The diabetes doctor gave him medicines to lower glucose level in his blood, another doctor gave him other medicines to increase glucose level in his blood so his liver can work again.
In this problem, mistakes was done by all parties, why both the son and the father did not tell the doctors about the father's whole problem and why the doctor did not ask what medicines is being consumed by the father. Maybe that's the result of reductionist system thinking.
2. Ketika kita mengerjakan soal ujian esai, mungkin setiap soalnya terdiri dari beberapa pertanyaan, lebih baik jika kita membaca semua pertanyaan yang berkaitan dengan soal tersebut terlebih dulu sebelum kita mengerjakannya, karena seringkali ketika kita mengerjakan soal tersebut satu per satu, ketika kita melangkah ke soal berikutnya mungkin kita baru benar-benar mengerti apa yang diminta penguji / pembuat soal.
2. When we do an essay test, a problem may not consist only one question, there may be some questions, it's better if we read the all questions that are related to the question first then answer the questions, because it often happens when we answer the question one by one, when we do the next question, that time we may just really understand what the examiners want.
3. Ini adalah contoh yang lebih umum, ketika kita menterjemahkan kalimat antar bahasa, jika kita artikan kata-katanya satu per satu tanpa melihat konteks kalimatnya, kemudian menyatukannya, hasil terjemahannya bukan tidak mungkin jadi aneh. contoh:
Inggris - Indonesia : My grandfather are going to dance with her grandmother in a ballroom. Milik saya (My) besar ayah (grandfather) adalah (are) going (pergi) ke (to) dansa (dance) dalam (in) a (sebuah) bola ruang (ballroom).
3. This is a more common example, when we translate sentences from one language to another, if we translate the word one by one without seeing the sentence context, then assembling it, the result is not impossibly becoming weird.
4. Sepasang suami-istri hidup di negara dengan empat musim. Suatu ketika, musim dingin tiba. Kemajuan teknologi telah mendukung terciptanya selimut pemanas yang bisa diatur suhunya. Pasutri (pasangan suami istri) tersebut pun membeli satu selimut tersebut untuk mereka berdua. Selimut ini memang didisain untuk pasangan suami istri. Keunggulan selimut listrik ini, temperatur suhu selimut bagian kanan dan kiri bisa diatur oleh masing-masing penggunanya (jadi suhu selimut sebelah kanan mungkin berbeda dengan suhu selimut sebelah kiri). Suatu saat Sang suami tidur bersama istrinya. Di malam hari, sang suami merasa agak kedinginan, lalu dia berpikir, "Ah, pasti istri saya kedinginan.", karena cintanya pada sang istri, dia pun menaikkan suhu selimut istrinya. Tak lama kemudian, sang suami pun tertidur. Istri sang suami merasa agak kepanasan, dia pun berpikir, "Ah, suami saya pasti kepanasan." Karena cintanya pada sang suami, sang istri pun menurunkan suhu selimut suaminya. Akhirnya... mungkin saja sang istri mati kepanasan, sedangkan sang suami mati kedinginan.
4. I watched a movie about an otaku. He loves a girl. But one day, his friends ask him to see an exebition called "Comixet". He told the girl that he has to work but actually he came to see the exebition, having fun with his friends in his otaku dress. But, suddenly he met the girl, the girl saw him in his otaku dress then she told him not to meet her again. He think it is his fault that he is an otaku. He throw away all his toys; gundams, models, comics, etc. Then he told the girl that he has left his otaku behaviour, but the girl still can't forgive him. Actually, he is an otaku, that is not a problem, the main problem is his small lie. How the story continues... watch "Densha Otoko"!
Nah, itulah mengapa sistem berpikir seperti itu dianggap kuno. Jaman sekarang ini, kedua ide tersebut mungkin tidak tepat lagi untuk diterapkan karena banyak masalah tidak dapat dipecahkan dengan kedua ide tersebut, ide yang tepat adalah dengan cara berpikir sistem, jadi kita memikirkan penyelesaian untuk keseluruhan masalah sekaligus, bukan per bagiannya.
So, that's why that kind of system thinking is considered left behind. In the present times, when we have a problem, we should not think like our ancestor did, because many problems may not be possible to be solved by those two, the better idea is thinking with "system thinking", so we think to get a solution for the whole problem, not by its parts.
Friday, September 16, 2011
How could an angel break my heart
I heard he sang a lullaby
I heard he sang it from his heart
When I found out thought I would die
Because that lullaby was mine
I heard he sealed it with a kiss
He gently kissed her cherry lips
I found that so hard to believe
Because his kiss belonged to me
How could an angel break my heart
Why didn't he catch my falling star
I wish I didn't wish so hard
Maybe I wished our love apart
How could an angel break my heart
I heard here face was white as rain
Soft as a rose that blooms in May
He keeps her picture in a frame
And when he sleeps he calls her name
I wonder if she makes him smile
The way he used to smile at me
I hope she doesn't make him laugh
Because his laugh belongs to me
How could an angel break my heart
Wh didn't he catch may falling star
I wish I didn't wish so hard
Maybe I wish our love apart
How could an angel break my heart
Oh my soul is dying, it's crying
I'm trying to understand
Please help me
How could an angel break my heart
Why didn't he catch my falling star
I wish I didn't wish so hard
Maybe I wished our love apart
How could an angel break my heart
I heard he sang it from his heart
When I found out thought I would die
Because that lullaby was mine
I heard he sealed it with a kiss
He gently kissed her cherry lips
I found that so hard to believe
Because his kiss belonged to me
How could an angel break my heart
Why didn't he catch my falling star
I wish I didn't wish so hard
Maybe I wished our love apart
How could an angel break my heart
I heard here face was white as rain
Soft as a rose that blooms in May
He keeps her picture in a frame
And when he sleeps he calls her name
I wonder if she makes him smile
The way he used to smile at me
I hope she doesn't make him laugh
Because his laugh belongs to me
How could an angel break my heart
Wh didn't he catch may falling star
I wish I didn't wish so hard
Maybe I wish our love apart
How could an angel break my heart
Oh my soul is dying, it's crying
I'm trying to understand
Please help me
How could an angel break my heart
Why didn't he catch my falling star
I wish I didn't wish so hard
Maybe I wished our love apart
How could an angel break my heart
hha
I wished I had you in Carrickfergus,
Only for nights in Ballygrand,
I would swim over the deepest ocean,
The deepest ocean to be by your side.
But the sea is wide and I can’t swim over
And neither have I wings to fly.
I wish I could find me a handy boatman
To ferry me over to my love and die.
My childhood days bring back sad reflections
Of happy days so long ago.
My boyhood friends and my own relations.
Have all passed on now like the melting snow.
So I’ll spend my days in endless roving,
Soft is the grass and my bed is free.
Oh to be home now in Carrickfergus,
On the long road down to the salty sea.
And in Kilkenny it is reported
On marble stones as black as ink,
With gold and silver I did support her
But I’ll sing no more now till I get a drink.
For I’m drunk today and I’m rarely sober,
A handsome rover from town to town.
Oh but I am sick now and my days are numbered
So come on ye young men and lay me down.
Only for nights in Ballygrand,
I would swim over the deepest ocean,
The deepest ocean to be by your side.
But the sea is wide and I can’t swim over
And neither have I wings to fly.
I wish I could find me a handy boatman
To ferry me over to my love and die.
My childhood days bring back sad reflections
Of happy days so long ago.
My boyhood friends and my own relations.
Have all passed on now like the melting snow.
So I’ll spend my days in endless roving,
Soft is the grass and my bed is free.
Oh to be home now in Carrickfergus,
On the long road down to the salty sea.
And in Kilkenny it is reported
On marble stones as black as ink,
With gold and silver I did support her
But I’ll sing no more now till I get a drink.
For I’m drunk today and I’m rarely sober,
A handsome rover from town to town.
Oh but I am sick now and my days are numbered
So come on ye young men and lay me down.
Waiting for Yesterday
Day-eh-ay
You and me, all alone girl
What’s going on, would you tell me what’s wrong
It’s like you’re locked up in your own world
Oh-oh with nothing to say
You keep me guessing but I see in your eyes
He made you promises but gave you lies
You’re shutting down cuz you’re so sure
That I’ll be another mistake
[Chorus:]
I know that he left you in pieces
You know that I won’t be that way
I’m not gonna treat you like he did
Oh-oh whatever it takes
You think history is repeating
You keep on pushing me away
Oh but nothing gonna change
Waiting for Yesterday-eh-eh
Day-eh-eh, Day-eh-eh
Is it worth it any longer?
You’re so scared to fall in again
Yesterday can make you stronger
So why do you feel alone?
You know I love you better than he ever did
This could be all you ever needed
Hold on to me and just remember
Oh no, never let go
[Chorus]
[Bridge:]
I’m the on for you tonight
I’m the one for forever
If it takes a little time (Whatever it takes, whatever it takes)
I’m the on for you tonight
I’m the one for forever
If it takes a little time (Whatever it takes, whatever it takes)
[Chorus x2]
You and me, all alone girl
What’s going on, would you tell me what’s wrong
It’s like you’re locked up in your own world
Oh-oh with nothing to say
You keep me guessing but I see in your eyes
He made you promises but gave you lies
You’re shutting down cuz you’re so sure
That I’ll be another mistake
[Chorus:]
I know that he left you in pieces
You know that I won’t be that way
I’m not gonna treat you like he did
Oh-oh whatever it takes
You think history is repeating
You keep on pushing me away
Oh but nothing gonna change
Waiting for Yesterday-eh-eh
Day-eh-eh, Day-eh-eh
Is it worth it any longer?
You’re so scared to fall in again
Yesterday can make you stronger
So why do you feel alone?
You know I love you better than he ever did
This could be all you ever needed
Hold on to me and just remember
Oh no, never let go
[Chorus]
[Bridge:]
I’m the on for you tonight
I’m the one for forever
If it takes a little time (Whatever it takes, whatever it takes)
I’m the on for you tonight
I’m the one for forever
If it takes a little time (Whatever it takes, whatever it takes)
[Chorus x2]
the best i ever had
It was a young and angry summer
A song that changed my mind
I heard it on the radio
And if everyone else heard this
They wouldn't be so sad
It was the best I ever had
It was the best I ever had
I remember April '94
September '96
And every day of '99 (all of '99)
Whether I waited for those records
Or helped Seattle cry
It was the best I ever had
And I know we'll never die
Yeah we were right about it
We'd be lost without it
Yeah what could ever take that?
I miss it too
And I miss the songs we knew
And if I could go back
I'd do it all again
It was the best I ever had
While the world was waking up and
Putting on their suits
I was planning my escape
And when I had that conversation
With my mom and dad
I said I'm never looking back
It was the best I ever had
And they were wrong about us
We showed them not to doubt us
Yeah what could ever take that?
I miss it too
And I miss the songs we knew
And if I could go back
I'd do it all again
It was the best I ever had
I'd do it all again
I've been everywhere now
Searching far and wide
But she was down the street
She looked just like an angel
Flying down to me
But I was underground
Where the devil comes to feed
And everything felt so right
I could show it to do wrong
But she taught me everything
And I don't know where she is now
But I'll never forget
She was the best I ever had
Or ever will again
The best I ever had
And if everyone else heard this
They wouldn't be so sad
It was the best I ever had
A song that changed my mind
I heard it on the radio
And if everyone else heard this
They wouldn't be so sad
It was the best I ever had
It was the best I ever had
I remember April '94
September '96
And every day of '99 (all of '99)
Whether I waited for those records
Or helped Seattle cry
It was the best I ever had
And I know we'll never die
Yeah we were right about it
We'd be lost without it
Yeah what could ever take that?
I miss it too
And I miss the songs we knew
And if I could go back
I'd do it all again
It was the best I ever had
While the world was waking up and
Putting on their suits
I was planning my escape
And when I had that conversation
With my mom and dad
I said I'm never looking back
It was the best I ever had
And they were wrong about us
We showed them not to doubt us
Yeah what could ever take that?
I miss it too
And I miss the songs we knew
And if I could go back
I'd do it all again
It was the best I ever had
I'd do it all again
I've been everywhere now
Searching far and wide
But she was down the street
She looked just like an angel
Flying down to me
But I was underground
Where the devil comes to feed
And everything felt so right
I could show it to do wrong
But she taught me everything
And I don't know where she is now
But I'll never forget
She was the best I ever had
Or ever will again
The best I ever had
And if everyone else heard this
They wouldn't be so sad
It was the best I ever had
leaving on a jet plane
all my bags are packed down
i'm ready to go
i'm standing here
outside your door
i hate to wake you up to say good bye
but the dawn is breaking
its early morn
the taxi is waiting
he's blowing his horn
already i'm so lonesome i could die
CHORUS
So kiss me and smile for me
tell me that you'll wait for me
hold me like you'll never let me go
'cause i'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when i'll be back again
oh babe, i hate to go*
there's so many times I've let you down
so many times I've played around
i tell you now they don't mean a thing
every place i go i think of you
every song i sing i sing for you
when i come back
i'll wear your wedding ring
CHORUS
and now the time has come to leave you
one more time
oh let me kiss you
then close your eyes
and i'll be on my way
dream about the days to come
when i won't have to leave alone
about the times when i won't have to say...
CHORUS
i'm leaving on a jet plane
don't know when i'll be back again
oh babe, i hate to go
i'm leaving on a jet plane
leaving on a jet plane x 9
i'm ready to go
i'm standing here
outside your door
i hate to wake you up to say good bye
but the dawn is breaking
its early morn
the taxi is waiting
he's blowing his horn
already i'm so lonesome i could die
CHORUS
So kiss me and smile for me
tell me that you'll wait for me
hold me like you'll never let me go
'cause i'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when i'll be back again
oh babe, i hate to go*
there's so many times I've let you down
so many times I've played around
i tell you now they don't mean a thing
every place i go i think of you
every song i sing i sing for you
when i come back
i'll wear your wedding ring
CHORUS
and now the time has come to leave you
one more time
oh let me kiss you
then close your eyes
and i'll be on my way
dream about the days to come
when i won't have to leave alone
about the times when i won't have to say...
CHORUS
i'm leaving on a jet plane
don't know when i'll be back again
oh babe, i hate to go
i'm leaving on a jet plane
leaving on a jet plane x 9
Thursday, June 2, 2011
change
1. Hard Work
“God gives every bird a worm, but he does not throw it into the nest.” –Swedish ProverbSuccess requires hard work. If you’re not working very hard, you’re probably not on the path to success; you may be on a treadmill. It takes hard work to succeed. It takes enough discipline to create the right habits, an attitude that doesn’t relent, and a work ethic that few are willing to bear.
2. Take Responsibility
“Possession of the ball is the key to winning in football, basketball, and the game of life.”–Laing Burns, Jr.
In the game of life you have the ball. Don’t try to give the ball to fate, luck, or chance. Take the ball and play the game.
Can you even decide the game you play? You have the ball, you decide the game, life has been set up for you to win!
3. Act Like You Can’t Fail
“Act as though it is impossible to fail.” –AnonymousI didn’t say failure was impossible, but you should act like it is. I didn’t say you wouldn’t fail, but you should act like you won’t. Why? Because your attitude will ultimately determine your altitude. If you see yourself as a success, you will eventually succeed. Act like the successful do, don’t be timid or shy; play like you’re going to win the game.
4. Fail Miserably
“Unless you’re willing to have a go, fail miserably, and have another go, success won’t happen.” –Phillip AdamsIt’s okay to fail; it’s even okay to fail miserably. The only way to success is on the path of failure. When you fall, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, learn from your mistakes and keep moving. You have time to succeed. If you stay focused in an area where you’re passionate, and where you have a natural advantage, you will succeed.
5. Plan and Succeed
“An Unfailing Success Plan: At each day’s end write down the six most important things to do tomorrow; number them in order of importance, and then do them.” –AnonymousThis is the recipe for success. Plan your days and then complete your plans. I would be remiss not to mention that you should complete the most important tasks first. These are the ones you usually don’t want to do because they require you to leave your comfort zone. But growth only occurs when you’re uncomfortable, get accustomed to being uncomfortable. Get comfortable being uncomfortable, soon you will grow, soon you will succeed.
In Closing
Dell Crossword said, “Success is not permanent. The same is also true of failure.” If you’ve failed in the past, that doesn’t mean you have to fail in the future. If you follow the steps in this article you will begin to succeed. Make sure you work in an area that makes you happy, ensure you work towards your passion, and one day, that which you seek, you will find.
Thank you for reading and be sure to pass this article along!
motivation
If you want to achieve success and make things happen, then you probably know that you need to have the ability to motivate yourself. Everyone seeks to motivate himself to achieve success and prosperity, but many do not know how.
How do you motivate yourself?
To learn how to motivate yourself, follow the quick guide below:
1. Have a reason
One of the strongest motives to motivate yourself is that you have a reason. This reason will inspire you and make you do whatever it takes to challenge all of the obstacles, so you can achieve your goals. If your desire and reasons are normal, then you might get motivated temporarily. The strong desires that make you think and dwell on your goals are the strong motives that will keep you moving forward.
2. Have a great goal
Have a goal that you want to achieve. Having a great goal is crucial because it is very difficult to motivate yourself if you don’t have a specific goal that you want to accomplish.
3. Have a specific plan
If you fail to plan, others will plan for you. Make a plan to achieve your goals. Be flexible, so you can change the plan if you need to if you encounter an obstacle.
4. Start with small steps
To get to where you want to be requires serious effort. You need to start taking small steps, so you can get to where you want to be. Once started, it will become easy for you to continue moving forward.
5. Do not compare yourself with others
Comparing yourself with others is an effective way if you want to become frustrated. It will kill your motivation. Even if you began with enthusiasm, you will lose energy quickly if you start to only focus on what others accomplished.
6. Procrastination is your enemy
When you procrastinate, it will slow down your progress. It is ok to take some time to rest, but to stay procrastinating every day will harm your progress. Leave your comfort zone and motivate yourself to accomplish every task you have to do.
7. Learn from your previous mistakes
When you keep focusing on your previous mistakes, you are killing your motivation. Learning from your mistakes can help motivate you since you know what to avoid. Today is a new day. Motivate yourself, so you can achieve what you want and deserve.
Always remember what Elbert Green Hubbard said, “Character is the result of two things: mental attitude and the way we spend our time.”
How do you motivate yourself?
To learn how to motivate yourself, follow the quick guide below:
1. Have a reason
One of the strongest motives to motivate yourself is that you have a reason. This reason will inspire you and make you do whatever it takes to challenge all of the obstacles, so you can achieve your goals. If your desire and reasons are normal, then you might get motivated temporarily. The strong desires that make you think and dwell on your goals are the strong motives that will keep you moving forward.
2. Have a great goal
Have a goal that you want to achieve. Having a great goal is crucial because it is very difficult to motivate yourself if you don’t have a specific goal that you want to accomplish.
3. Have a specific plan
If you fail to plan, others will plan for you. Make a plan to achieve your goals. Be flexible, so you can change the plan if you need to if you encounter an obstacle.
4. Start with small steps
To get to where you want to be requires serious effort. You need to start taking small steps, so you can get to where you want to be. Once started, it will become easy for you to continue moving forward.
5. Do not compare yourself with others
Comparing yourself with others is an effective way if you want to become frustrated. It will kill your motivation. Even if you began with enthusiasm, you will lose energy quickly if you start to only focus on what others accomplished.
6. Procrastination is your enemy
When you procrastinate, it will slow down your progress. It is ok to take some time to rest, but to stay procrastinating every day will harm your progress. Leave your comfort zone and motivate yourself to accomplish every task you have to do.
7. Learn from your previous mistakes
When you keep focusing on your previous mistakes, you are killing your motivation. Learning from your mistakes can help motivate you since you know what to avoid. Today is a new day. Motivate yourself, so you can achieve what you want and deserve.
Always remember what Elbert Green Hubbard said, “Character is the result of two things: mental attitude and the way we spend our time.”
mad or creative?
‘”Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life thinking it is stupid.” Albert Einstein.Ever been told you’re a perfectionist, too sensitive or that you dream or think too much?
To have a high degree of creative intelligence is a gift — but because our society, schools and workplaces privilege more conventional and conformist intelligences, it is not always experienced that way. If you, or your nearest and dearest, do not understand what it means to becreatively intelligent, in everyday terms, a great deal of suffering can ensue.
“In a society that doesn’t appreciate them, creative abilities are often labeled and experienced as liabilities,” says Mary Taylor, LCSW, of the Creative Intelligence Centre. “Highly creative people often face a lifetime of hardship and psychological pain because they do not see themselves or their abilities clearly. The abilities of highly creative people are frequently hidden under…emotional, occupational andrelationship difficulties.”
While the [creative] person is all too aware of their problems, they are often unaware of their abilities. This, allied with the fact that they live in a society that prefers linear, rational thinking and behaviour, makes them try to fit into situations that don’t suit them — and thenblame themselves when that doesn’t work out. Hence: “I’m too sensitive”; “I’m too much of a perfectionist”; “I think too much”.
These erroneous conclusions can do “major damage” to self image, says Taylor, and ”attempts made at correcting a problem from this vantage point are frequently unsuccessful because the initial interpretation was in error. Their deepest turmoil often stems from the fact that although they feel they are capable, they are unable to bring their talents into the world in a recognizable or tangible form. They often feel confused in their attempts to figure this ‘puzzle’ out.”
Over time, self-blame and lack of understanding leads many bright, creative people into marginalized lives as adults — underemployed,dissatisfied and often in tremendous psychological pain.
First Stage Problems (Issues that stem directly from the ability itself)
- Depression caused by a lack of creative and intellectual fulfillment – environments which are creatively or intellectually under-stimulating.
- Feeling overwhelmed by the difficulties of managing high ideaphoria and divergent thinking patterns – a high flow of ideas and the capacity to process thoughts on multiple levels simultaneously.
- Sensory overload resulting in anxiety, irritability and fatigue brought on by the combination of strong sensory skills and environmental stimulation.
- “Am I really ‘obsessive compulsive’ or do my finely tuned visual abilities mandate I create an environment of visual beauty and order?”
- “Do I actually have a biochemical depression, or am I an imaginative person living among a plethora of concrete thinkers?”
- “Do I have ADHD or am I attempting to physically keep up with my numerous ideas and interests through multiple projects and activities?”
- Identity Problems – Many highly creative people accept mistaken notions about themselves including beliefs of being “too sensitive,” “too emotional,” “too much of a perfectionist,” “thinking too much,” and having “too many ideas.” These negative descriptions can result in damage to one’s self image and failure to identify the raw ability that may behidden under the perceived problem.
- Adjustment Problems – Many highly creative people struggle because they do not see themselves or their abilities clearly. This can result in the experience of going from job to job or relationship to relationship and wandering through life desperately looking for a purpose.
- Academic Problems – Highly creative individuals often have aptitudes that lie outside the realm of standardized tests, which typically favour linear thinking and the logical/mathematical and linguistic aptitudes. Academic problems can also stem from a lack of compatibility between learning style and teaching style. For example, when a linear-thinking teacher expects a divergent-thinking student to solve a problem using a step-by-step approach, while excluding inductive and intuitive problem-solving methods.
- Medical Conditions – “In my psychotherapy practice, I have witnessed a high correlation between individuals with multiple creative aptitudes and the existence of certain types of medical conditions, most often in the form of allergies, immune deficiencies, thyroid problems and metabolic disorders,” says Taylor.
What is Creative Intelligence?
Creatively intelligent people don’t necessarily work as writers or artists or in any field labelled ‘creative’. Many work “regular” jobs and may not think of themselves as creative at all. Creative intelligence has little to do with particular activities and more to do with a way of meeting and understanding life. I define it is “the ability to engage intention and attention in a way that goes beyond the given”.
Applying our creative intelligence invites us to keep both heart and eyes wide open to the emerging moment. We’d all be more creative if we paid less attention to the surfaces, our doings and achievements, our ambitions and desires; and more attention to the depths, the hidden forces and faculties that lie within ourselves and others, within all things and all experiences. We insist on burnishing our worries and wants and wishes, until we are blind to what’s in front of our eyes.
We insist on resounding our opinions, until we’ve drowned out the whispers of our hearts. So we fail to see the true visions, to hear the sound of other spheres. And the eternal stream folds back into the infinite nothing, from whence it came, having flowed past our skin instead of through our blood.
Are You Highly Creative?
Use the questionnaire below to examine more deeply how you have experienced this ability in your life — particularly when the ability has been labeled a liability. What was going on in those times? Did you blame yourself? If you look back through the lens of seeing yourself as a highly creative person, with an unrecognized gift, how does that change your perception of the event?
For best results, take a notebook and pen and F-R-E-E-Write your answers to those questions.
Do you feel different from those around you or that you are on a different “path” than most?
Have you been told you “think too much” or are “too much of a perfectionist”?
Do/did your schoolteachers berate you for daydreaming or staring out the window?
Were you told you were too ”giddy” or “disruptive” at school?
Do you experience a level of imaginative activity that few around you seem to understand?
Do you believe you have “too many” interests?
Have you been told you are “overly emotional”?
Do you go from project to project?
Do you carry a lot of unfinished projects in your mind?
Do you sometimes feel overwhelmed by the numerous ideas and projects you generate?
Are you more affected than others seem to be by environmental stimuli, e.g the weather, bright lights, loud music, other people’s moods?
Have you been told you are “too sensitive”?
Do you feel dissatisfied and unfulfilled in many of your relationships?
Do people frequently ask you for advice — while you feel there is no one who understands you?
Do you believe you are not achieving what you could be in your work, despite a high degree of competence, ability and experience (and perhaps achievement too)?
If you answered “Yes” to more than 3 of these questions, you are indeed highly creative.
about happiness
The truth about affirmations:
With all of these books around touting the benefits of affirmations, Psychologists became curious to know whether they actually worked.
They brought together many different subjects, having various degrees of self confidence and told them to repeat positive statements about their self confidence such as “I am confident” and “I am worthy”
What was found is that confident people felt more confident after the experiment while those who lacked confidence felt even worse.
The explanation is simple, when you repeat a statement that matches your inner belief system your subconscious mind will be reminded of the statement and will let you feel good if it was a positive one, on the other hand if you tried to force your subconscious mind to believe in something against its belief system it will sense the deception and so make you feel guilty.
In short, affirmations can never make you happy if you weren’t already happy nor can they make you more confident if you weren’t already feeling confident.
We are not the same:
Read as much as you can about happiness and you will find that most of the sources describe happiness in a different way. Some people will tell you that true happiness is in success, others will tell you that its in fame a third group will tell you that true happiness is being rich.
Everyone describes happiness from his own perspective without putting in mind that humans, unlike ants, are completely different and that what makes Sam happy would never make Sarah happy.
The conclusions is, everyone has his own belief system and according to it his own true happiness differs from others. The key to becoming truly happy to first understand the things that really make you happy then go on a quest to bring them.
Happiness and unmet needs:
If a person lived his life suffering from poverty then became a millionaire he will be the happiest man ever (provided that money was his only problem). Research has shown that normal people who win the lottery return back to their original mood after getting used to it but those who have financial unmet needs never get used to the things they missed in the past.
Happiness In short can be achieved by understanding your unmet needs and working on fulfilling them. If your unmet need is intimacy then money, fame or positive thinking won’t make you happy but only intimate relationships will.
Find your unmet needs, work on fulfilling them and you will discover real happiness. If you are Hungary then nothing will make you feel good except eating and if you tried to drink instead of eating you will still feel Hungary.
Happiness is the absence of bad emotions:
Happiness can also be defined as the absence of bad emotions. If you had a fight with one of your friends in the morning you are less likely to feel happy that day because of the anger you experienced.
Many of us follow life styles that promote stress, anger, frustration and other bad emotions. Even if emotions weren’t intense still they would never allow you to feel happy if they existed.
You must learn how to avoid stress, negative people, unneeded quarrels and any other source of negative emotions that can be avoided.
Happiness and incorrectly set priorities:
Ask anybody about his priorities and he will tell you that happiness is one of them, ask him about the things that he does in life and he will reply saying that he hates most of them.
How many people work at jobs that they hate then claim that happiness is a priority in their life?
How many people stay in abusive relationships yet claim that they want to live a happy life?
If you really want to be happy then happiness must be considered a priority that has an impact on the decisions you make in your life.
To summarize this all, becoming happy is all about understanding what makes you happy then doing it and knowing what makes you feel bad then avoiding it.
With all of these books around touting the benefits of affirmations, Psychologists became curious to know whether they actually worked.
They brought together many different subjects, having various degrees of self confidence and told them to repeat positive statements about their self confidence such as “I am confident” and “I am worthy”
What was found is that confident people felt more confident after the experiment while those who lacked confidence felt even worse.
The explanation is simple, when you repeat a statement that matches your inner belief system your subconscious mind will be reminded of the statement and will let you feel good if it was a positive one, on the other hand if you tried to force your subconscious mind to believe in something against its belief system it will sense the deception and so make you feel guilty.
We are not the same:
Read as much as you can about happiness and you will find that most of the sources describe happiness in a different way. Some people will tell you that true happiness is in success, others will tell you that its in fame a third group will tell you that true happiness is being rich.
Everyone describes happiness from his own perspective without putting in mind that humans, unlike ants, are completely different and that what makes Sam happy would never make Sarah happy.
The conclusions is, everyone has his own belief system and according to it his own true happiness differs from others. The key to becoming truly happy to first understand the things that really make you happy then go on a quest to bring them.
Happiness and unmet needs:
If a person lived his life suffering from poverty then became a millionaire he will be the happiest man ever (provided that money was his only problem). Research has shown that normal people who win the lottery return back to their original mood after getting used to it but those who have financial unmet needs never get used to the things they missed in the past.
Happiness In short can be achieved by understanding your unmet needs and working on fulfilling them. If your unmet need is intimacy then money, fame or positive thinking won’t make you happy but only intimate relationships will.
Find your unmet needs, work on fulfilling them and you will discover real happiness. If you are Hungary then nothing will make you feel good except eating and if you tried to drink instead of eating you will still feel Hungary.
Happiness is the absence of bad emotions:
Happiness can also be defined as the absence of bad emotions. If you had a fight with one of your friends in the morning you are less likely to feel happy that day because of the anger you experienced.
Many of us follow life styles that promote stress, anger, frustration and other bad emotions. Even if emotions weren’t intense still they would never allow you to feel happy if they existed.
You must learn how to avoid stress, negative people, unneeded quarrels and any other source of negative emotions that can be avoided.
Happiness and incorrectly set priorities:
Ask anybody about his priorities and he will tell you that happiness is one of them, ask him about the things that he does in life and he will reply saying that he hates most of them.
How many people work at jobs that they hate then claim that happiness is a priority in their life?
How many people stay in abusive relationships yet claim that they want to live a happy life?
If you really want to be happy then happiness must be considered a priority that has an impact on the decisions you make in your life.
To summarize this all, becoming happy is all about understanding what makes you happy then doing it and knowing what makes you feel bad then avoiding it.
How to Love the Life You Already Have
You’ve probably heard the old saying
No-one’s life is perfect – whatever it looks like from the outside.
Plus, it’s a safe bet that some of your friends are looking at your life and thinking very similar things. Maybe they envy your dull but predictable job – you’re home on time every night. Maybe they see your great relationship with your spouse and kids – and they’d rather have that than any amount of money.
Whatever state your life is in, you’ve got a lot of good things. You just need to recognize them again.
You might think of:
As well as thinking of what you might want to change, look at the areas of your life which are currently good. Maybe:
Being able to live in the moment means appreciating what’s around you. It’s about having your attention on now, instead of reminiscing about what’s already gone, or worrying about what’s yet to come.
Living in the moment means:
“The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.”Perhaps you feel like it’s true. You look at other people’s lives, and you envy them. They seem to be doing so much better than you. They’ve got a great job. Lots of money. A happy home life.
They seem to have it all. And you can’t help wishing that you did, too.But none of us ever really know what it’s like to live someone else’s life. Sure, your friends might be spending lots of money on dinners out, booze, fancy gadgets … but for all you know, they’re deep in debt, or working long hours in jobs they hate.
No-one’s life is perfect – whatever it looks like from the outside.
Plus, it’s a safe bet that some of your friends are looking at your life and thinking very similar things. Maybe they envy your dull but predictable job – you’re home on time every night. Maybe they see your great relationship with your spouse and kids – and they’d rather have that than any amount of money.
Whatever state your life is in, you’ve got a lot of good things. You just need to recognize them again.
Enjoy What You Have
One of the best ways to love your current life is to write a list of things you’re grateful for. It doesn’t matter if they seem small or insignificant: little everyday moments of happiness count.You might think of:
- People who you’re grateful for – your family, friends, housemates, co-workers…
- Treats which you enjoy – the smell of fresh coffee, the taste of dark chocolate, a long bath after a hard day…
- Things which make your day easier – the dishwasher, online grocery shopping, fast internet access at work…
- Anything special which you’ve grown accustomed to – your wedding ring, your smartphone, a favorite coat…
- Happy moments – chatting with a friend, something which made you laugh, playing with your kids…
Focus on the Good Points
When we’re thinking about future goals and ambitions, it’s easy to end up in quite a negative mood about the present. Perhaps you start thinking through all the things you want to change in your life: losing weight, getting fit, quitting smoking, switching jobs…As well as thinking of what you might want to change, look at the areas of your life which are currently good. Maybe:
- You get on well with your colleagues at work, and you’ve got a good relationship with your boss
- You’ve got some real strengths – like being able to establish a quick connection with clients, and being organised
- Your house is set up pretty much how you want it – there might not be loads of space, but it feels like home
- You’ve got some hobbies you really enjoy
Live in the Moment
It’s appropriate to plan for the future, and to learn from the past – but it’s not a good idea to constantly have your mind on how “things will be better next year when…” or on “life was so much better last year because…”Being able to live in the moment means appreciating what’s around you. It’s about having your attention on now, instead of reminiscing about what’s already gone, or worrying about what’s yet to come.
Living in the moment means:
- Enjoying your days off, without constantly thinking about Monday morning.
- Listening when someone’s talking to you, and being fully present in the conversation.
- Taking time to stop and watch a beautiful sunset, or to enjoy the smell of fresh-mown grass.
- Eating your meals more mindfully – instead of grabbing a sandwich on the run.
What are you grateful for, in your life? What’s already good? How can you appreciate all of it just a bit more?
trust yourself
An SNL video has been circulating the interwebs called Don’t Buy Stuff You Can’t Afford. The title basically says it all: an expert explains the most important rule of personal finance — spend less than you earn.
The funny part is that the people listening to the pitch don’t want to believe it. They’re dying for the finance guru to tell them how to buy everything they want right now.
The joke works because it reflects real behavior. A product can be an obvious scam, but people will rush to buy it because they enjoy believing pleasant lies. People pay for the pleasure of being deceived. For a brief period they can believe in an easy answer. The best part of the purchase is waiting for it to arrive, full of optimism and excitement.
It doesn’t even matter if a lie is particularly convincing or not. As long as it’s appealing there will probably be people desperate enough to cling to it. Our own desire for easy solutions does more to sell a product than the salesman.
To make good decisions it’s important to understand our natural tendency to deceive ourselves. Next time you get excited about something, step back for a second and try to identify the reason. Is it from genuine evidence, or the belief that you’ve finally found that missing puzzle piece that’s been holding you back?
Easy answers are exciting because they remove the burden of responsibility. Great! I don’t need to worry about my problems anymore! All I have to do is wait for the solution to be delivered and follow instructions.
If only life were that easy. Self deception inevitably feeds back into the cycle of disappointment, desperation, and delusion. We’re better off being brutally honest with ourselves.
Action is what we’re really afraid of. It’s uncomfortable and risky. It takes time and it doesn’t always work. But action is the foundational key to all success. Instead of looking for flashy new answers, take the simple ones you already have (they’re probably the best) and start taking action.
The funny part is that the people listening to the pitch don’t want to believe it. They’re dying for the finance guru to tell them how to buy everything they want right now.
The joke works because it reflects real behavior. A product can be an obvious scam, but people will rush to buy it because they enjoy believing pleasant lies. People pay for the pleasure of being deceived. For a brief period they can believe in an easy answer. The best part of the purchase is waiting for it to arrive, full of optimism and excitement.
It doesn’t even matter if a lie is particularly convincing or not. As long as it’s appealing there will probably be people desperate enough to cling to it. Our own desire for easy solutions does more to sell a product than the salesman.
To make good decisions it’s important to understand our natural tendency to deceive ourselves. Next time you get excited about something, step back for a second and try to identify the reason. Is it from genuine evidence, or the belief that you’ve finally found that missing puzzle piece that’s been holding you back?
Easy answers are exciting because they remove the burden of responsibility. Great! I don’t need to worry about my problems anymore! All I have to do is wait for the solution to be delivered and follow instructions.
If only life were that easy. Self deception inevitably feeds back into the cycle of disappointment, desperation, and delusion. We’re better off being brutally honest with ourselves.
Action is what we’re really afraid of. It’s uncomfortable and risky. It takes time and it doesn’t always work. But action is the foundational key to all success. Instead of looking for flashy new answers, take the simple ones you already have (they’re probably the best) and start taking action.
talking with yourself
Look well into thyself; there is a source of strength which will always spring up if thou wilt always look there. — Marcus Aurelius
I remember when I was ten years old, we were asked to write an essay on ‘My best friend’. I thought for a while about all my friends that I had and tried to find out one who knew everything about me. Surprisingly, in a group of very close friends there was no one who knew everything about me. None of them knew anything about how I felt at home and how desperately I wanted to grow up and much more. And few who knew.. never understood it thoroughly. After brief rumination, I realized that I was my own Best Friend as only I knew about my life completely. Hence, I wrote about myself and got a zero as my teacher thought I wrote the essay on ‘Myself’ and not on ‘My Best Friend’.
I have always been a very affable and friendly person and thus making friends was never difficult for me, then and even now. But whenever the thought of my best friend comes to my mind, I can confidently proclaim that ‘my self’ is my best friend.
Whenever I need someone to talk to, I turn to myself. My inner soul gives me the accurate answers to my questions. I ask myself about my actions, needs, desires and capabilities. And I get the right answers and reasons! Only thing needed here to carry on with the conversation is – honesty.
One has to be brutally honest with oneself if one wants to talk to ones inner self. Be firm about your questions, don’t evade even the most elusive ones because in most certainty you will find answers to all the doubts and all the questions you pose to your conscious.
Here are five things you need to do to be able to carry out an excogitative conservation.
1) Build a relationship with your inner self – we all have different relationships with different people. But do we have a relationship with our own self? If yes, what kind is it? Do we love ourselves? Or is our inner soul our best friend? Do we bully our conscious with our actions or do we keep preaching it new things by reflexive activities? Figure out the type of your relationship and improve it. Build a rapport where your soul is free to talk to you fearlessly.
2) Be honest – while seeking answers, try to recollect even the minuscule detail and accept the reality. Be true and genuine and try to reason with full honesty. You will get the right reasons and the absolute answers.
3) Take a moment with yourself – your inner self may not be comfortable everywhere and that is the reason many a times we say ‘I don’t know what I want..’ or ‘I am not able to get an answer’. Go to a place that gives you peace. Maybe on the roof top under the sky, a beach, next to a water lake, under a tree, in a dark room, while walking on the road or anywhere. Only you know which place lets you talk freely to your self.
4) Ask questions – excruciate yourself with all the questions you have in mind. Don’t just ask ‘yes’ or ‘no’ questions. Ask why you did something or why you want something. Get answers to questions like what if you had done it differently, how could you not do it, would you do it again etc.
5) Respect your inner self – there is no use of letting your conscious speak, if you do not listen to it. Because if you disobey your inner voice few times, it stops talking to you. So, start venerating your soul’s voice and next time whenever you try to listen to your heart, actually LISTEN to it.
After all, myself is nothing but my ‘self’ is all!
broken heart
Perhaps the worst thing about love is that the higher it is, the harder the fall when the relationship sours. We dream of perfect love when we’re adolescents, but as life goes on, we go through many relationships and as many breakups; it’s only a few who find lifelong happiness with their first love – others have to find ways to get out of the depression that wraps around you when a relationship goes awry and your heart feels like it’s never going to be whole again, and learn to trust and love in the course of time.
If you’re moping around after a breakup, here’s how you can find inspiration to see blue skies again
1. Break free:
The tendency to go back and beg your erstwhile partner to take you back will be overwhelming, but remember that it’s just not worth it if you do so. They broke up with you for a reason, so you must protect yourself from further hurt by staying away from them and breaking free completely.
2. Understand yourself:
You will go through periods of intense sadness, anger and denial, and these emotions will make you act out of character; but if you are aware of your
emotions and understand them, it’s easier to control them and prevent them from making you do things you will later regret.
3. Stay busy:
The panacea for a broken heart is a busy mind and a tired body; so throw yourself into work even though you don’t really feel like working, and focus all your energy into your professional life. The success you achieve will make you feel much better about yourself, and it signifies the beginning of the healing process – it inspires you to concentrate on work and forget the breakup you’ve just been through.
4. Talk to someone:
Crying and talking about emotional pain are the most cathartic ways to get rid of the heavy feeling that plagues your insides, so don’t hold back your tears or zip your lips about your breakup. Call a close friend who you are comfortable with, or talk to a professional psychologist to help you get through the feelings of depression and pain.
5. Don’t rush into another relationship:
It’s very easy to succumb to the feeling of wanting to be loved and needed and get into another relationship too quickly and for the wrong
reasons when you’ve just broken up with a significant other. However, this could only make you feel worse, especially if you’re not comfortable with one-night stands or short-term flings. So take stock of your emotional state, and know what you want in the aftermath of a breakup.
6. Don’t seek refuge in alcohol or drugs:
It’s tempting to want to drink yourself stupid and forget all that is happening around you, but alcohol makes you do idiotic things you’re bound to regret, and also gives you a major hangover which ruins the next day completely. Also, you run the risk of becoming an addict. If you find trouble sleeping, get an hour or so of exercise to tire you out, or seek out the company of friends and family and spend time with them – alcohol causes more problems than it brings solutions.
7. Take each day at a time:
Time is the greatest healer, so don’t look too far ahead into the future and worry about what it holds. Instead, take each day as it comes, and find
something to look forward to in the short term – it could be a vacation you’ve planned with friends, a reunion with family, a promotion at work, or just dinner out at your favorite restaurant. Life is made up of these little moments that add to our wellbeing, not just the larger than life ones that cause both immense happiness and unbearable pain.
It’s not easy to get over a broken heart, but if you believe that you are strong enough and keep yourself occupied, time does the rest.
If you’re moping around after a breakup, here’s how you can find inspiration to see blue skies again
1. Break free:
The tendency to go back and beg your erstwhile partner to take you back will be overwhelming, but remember that it’s just not worth it if you do so. They broke up with you for a reason, so you must protect yourself from further hurt by staying away from them and breaking free completely.
2. Understand yourself:
You will go through periods of intense sadness, anger and denial, and these emotions will make you act out of character; but if you are aware of your
emotions and understand them, it’s easier to control them and prevent them from making you do things you will later regret.
3. Stay busy:
The panacea for a broken heart is a busy mind and a tired body; so throw yourself into work even though you don’t really feel like working, and focus all your energy into your professional life. The success you achieve will make you feel much better about yourself, and it signifies the beginning of the healing process – it inspires you to concentrate on work and forget the breakup you’ve just been through.
4. Talk to someone:
Crying and talking about emotional pain are the most cathartic ways to get rid of the heavy feeling that plagues your insides, so don’t hold back your tears or zip your lips about your breakup. Call a close friend who you are comfortable with, or talk to a professional psychologist to help you get through the feelings of depression and pain.
5. Don’t rush into another relationship:
It’s very easy to succumb to the feeling of wanting to be loved and needed and get into another relationship too quickly and for the wrong
reasons when you’ve just broken up with a significant other. However, this could only make you feel worse, especially if you’re not comfortable with one-night stands or short-term flings. So take stock of your emotional state, and know what you want in the aftermath of a breakup.
6. Don’t seek refuge in alcohol or drugs:
It’s tempting to want to drink yourself stupid and forget all that is happening around you, but alcohol makes you do idiotic things you’re bound to regret, and also gives you a major hangover which ruins the next day completely. Also, you run the risk of becoming an addict. If you find trouble sleeping, get an hour or so of exercise to tire you out, or seek out the company of friends and family and spend time with them – alcohol causes more problems than it brings solutions.
7. Take each day at a time:
Time is the greatest healer, so don’t look too far ahead into the future and worry about what it holds. Instead, take each day as it comes, and find
something to look forward to in the short term – it could be a vacation you’ve planned with friends, a reunion with family, a promotion at work, or just dinner out at your favorite restaurant. Life is made up of these little moments that add to our wellbeing, not just the larger than life ones that cause both immense happiness and unbearable pain.
It’s not easy to get over a broken heart, but if you believe that you are strong enough and keep yourself occupied, time does the rest.
Increase Motivation
If you want to make things happen the ability to motivate yourself and others is a crucial skill. At work, home, and everywhere in between, people use motivation to get results. Motivation requires a delicate balance of communication, structure, and incentives.
1. Consequences – Never use threats. They’ll turn people against you. But making people aware of the negative consequences of not getting results (for everyone involved) can have a big impact. This one is also big for self motivation. If you don’t get your act together, will you ever get what you want?
2. Pleasure – This is the old carrot on a stick technique. Providing pleasurable rewards creates eager and productive people.
3. Performance incentives – Appeal to people’s selfish nature. Give them the opportunity to earn more for themselves by earning more for you.
4. Detailed instructions – If you want a specific result, give specific instructions. People work better when they know exactly what’s expected.
5. Short and long term goals – Use both short and long term goals to guide the action process and create an overall philosophy.
6. Kindness – Get people on your side and they’ll want to help you. Piss them off and they’ll do everything they can to screw you over.
7. Deadlines – Many people are most productive right before a big deadline. They also have a hard time focusing until that deadline is looming overhead. Use this to your advantage by setting up a series of mini-deadlines building up to an end result.
8. Team Spirit – Create an environment of camaraderie. People work more effectively when they feel like part of team — they don’t want to let others down.
10. Recognize achievement – Make a point to recognize achievements one-on-one and also in group settings. People like to see that their work isn’t being ignored.
11. Personal stake – Think about the personal stake of others. What do they need? By understanding this you’ll be able to keep people happy and productive.
12. Concentrate on outcomes – No one likes to work with someone standing over their shoulder. Focus on outcomes — make it clear what you want and cut people loose to get it done on their own.
13. Trust and Respect – Give people the trust and respect they deserve and they’ll respond to requests much more favorably.
14. Create challenges – People are happy when they’re progressing towards a goal. Give them the opportunity to face new and difficult problems and they’ll be more enthusiastic.
15. Let people be creative – Don’t expect everyone to do things your way. Allowing people to be creative creates a more optimistic environment and can lead to awesome new ideas.
16. Constructive criticism – Often people don’t realize what they’re doing wrong. Let them know. Most people want to improve and will make an effort once they know how to do it.
17. Demand improvement – Don’t let people stagnate. Each time someone advances raise the bar a little higher (especially for yourself).
18. Make it fun – Work is most enjoyable when it doesn’t feel like work at all. Let people have fun and the positive environment will lead to better results.
19. Create opportunities – Give people the opportunity to advance. Let them know that hard work will pay off.
20. Communication – Keep the communication channels open. By being aware of potential problems you can fix them before a serious dispute arises.
21. Make it stimulating – Mix it up. Don’t ask people to do the same boring tasks all the time. A stimulating environment creates enthusiasm and the opportunity for “big picture” thinking.
1. Consequences – Never use threats. They’ll turn people against you. But making people aware of the negative consequences of not getting results (for everyone involved) can have a big impact. This one is also big for self motivation. If you don’t get your act together, will you ever get what you want?
2. Pleasure – This is the old carrot on a stick technique. Providing pleasurable rewards creates eager and productive people.
3. Performance incentives – Appeal to people’s selfish nature. Give them the opportunity to earn more for themselves by earning more for you.
4. Detailed instructions – If you want a specific result, give specific instructions. People work better when they know exactly what’s expected.
5. Short and long term goals – Use both short and long term goals to guide the action process and create an overall philosophy.
6. Kindness – Get people on your side and they’ll want to help you. Piss them off and they’ll do everything they can to screw you over.
7. Deadlines – Many people are most productive right before a big deadline. They also have a hard time focusing until that deadline is looming overhead. Use this to your advantage by setting up a series of mini-deadlines building up to an end result.
8. Team Spirit – Create an environment of camaraderie. People work more effectively when they feel like part of team — they don’t want to let others down.
10. Recognize achievement – Make a point to recognize achievements one-on-one and also in group settings. People like to see that their work isn’t being ignored.
11. Personal stake – Think about the personal stake of others. What do they need? By understanding this you’ll be able to keep people happy and productive.
12. Concentrate on outcomes – No one likes to work with someone standing over their shoulder. Focus on outcomes — make it clear what you want and cut people loose to get it done on their own.
13. Trust and Respect – Give people the trust and respect they deserve and they’ll respond to requests much more favorably.
14. Create challenges – People are happy when they’re progressing towards a goal. Give them the opportunity to face new and difficult problems and they’ll be more enthusiastic.
15. Let people be creative – Don’t expect everyone to do things your way. Allowing people to be creative creates a more optimistic environment and can lead to awesome new ideas.
16. Constructive criticism – Often people don’t realize what they’re doing wrong. Let them know. Most people want to improve and will make an effort once they know how to do it.
17. Demand improvement – Don’t let people stagnate. Each time someone advances raise the bar a little higher (especially for yourself).
18. Make it fun – Work is most enjoyable when it doesn’t feel like work at all. Let people have fun and the positive environment will lead to better results.
19. Create opportunities – Give people the opportunity to advance. Let them know that hard work will pay off.
20. Communication – Keep the communication channels open. By being aware of potential problems you can fix them before a serious dispute arises.
21. Make it stimulating – Mix it up. Don’t ask people to do the same boring tasks all the time. A stimulating environment creates enthusiasm and the opportunity for “big picture” thinking.
Why Do I Fight With My Parents So Much?
The clothes you wear. The food you eat. The color of your bedroom walls. Where you go and how you get there. The people you hang with. What time you go to bed.
What do these things have in common, you're asking? They're just a few examples of the many hundreds of things that your parents controlled for you when you were a child. As a kid, you didn't have a say in very much that went on; your parents made decisions about everything from the cereal you ate in the morning to the pajamas you wore at night. And it's a good thing, too — kids need this kind of protection and assistance because they aren't mature enough to take care of themselves and make careful decisions on their own.
But eventually, kids grow up and become teens. And part of being a teen is developing your own identity — one that is separate from your parents'. It's totally normal for teens to create their own opinions, thoughts, and values about life; it's what prepares them for adulthood.
But as you change and grow into this new person who makes his or her own decisions, your parents may have a difficult time adjusting. They aren't used to the new you yet — they only know you as the kid who had everything decided for you and didn't mind.
In most families, it's this adjustment that can cause a lot of fighting between teens and parents. You want to cover your walls with posters; they don't understand why you don't like your kiddie wallpaper anymore. You think it's OK to hang at the mall every day after school; they would rather that you play a sport.
Clashes like these are very common between teens and parents — teens get angry because they feel parents don't respect them and aren't giving them space to do what they like, and parents get angry because they aren't used to not being in control or they disagree with the teens' decisions.
It's easy for feelings to get very hurt when there are conflicts like these. And more complicated issues — like the types of friends you have or your attitudes about sex and partying — can cause even bigger arguments, because your parents will always be intent on prot
ecting you and keeping you safe, no matter how oldyou are
It can take several years for parents and teens to adjust to their new roles, though. In the meantime, concentrate on communicating with your parents as best you can.
Sometimes this can feel impossible — like they just don't see your point of view and never will. But talking and expressing your opinions can help you gain more respect from your parents, and you may be able to reach compromises that make everyone happy. For example, if you are willing to clean your room in order to stay out an hour later, both you and your parents walk away with a good deal.
Keep in mind, too, that your parents were teens once and that, in most cases, they can relate to what you're going through.
Reviewed by: D'Arcy Lyness, PhD
What do these things have in common, you're asking? They're just a few examples of the many hundreds of things that your parents controlled for you when you were a child. As a kid, you didn't have a say in very much that went on; your parents made decisions about everything from the cereal you ate in the morning to the pajamas you wore at night. And it's a good thing, too — kids need this kind of protection and assistance because they aren't mature enough to take care of themselves and make careful decisions on their own.
But eventually, kids grow up and become teens. And part of being a teen is developing your own identity — one that is separate from your parents'. It's totally normal for teens to create their own opinions, thoughts, and values about life; it's what prepares them for adulthood.
But as you change and grow into this new person who makes his or her own decisions, your parents may have a difficult time adjusting. They aren't used to the new you yet — they only know you as the kid who had everything decided for you and didn't mind.
In most families, it's this adjustment that can cause a lot of fighting between teens and parents. You want to cover your walls with posters; they don't understand why you don't like your kiddie wallpaper anymore. You think it's OK to hang at the mall every day after school; they would rather that you play a sport.
Clashes like these are very common between teens and parents — teens get angry because they feel parents don't respect them and aren't giving them space to do what they like, and parents get angry because they aren't used to not being in control or they disagree with the teens' decisions.
It's easy for feelings to get very hurt when there are conflicts like these. And more complicated issues — like the types of friends you have or your attitudes about sex and partying — can cause even bigger arguments, because your parents will always be intent on prot
ecting you and keeping you safe, no matter how oldyou are
The Upside
The good news about fighting with your parents is that in many families the arguing will lessen as parents get more comfortable with the idea that their teen has a right to certain opinions and an identity that may be different from theirs.It can take several years for parents and teens to adjust to their new roles, though. In the meantime, concentrate on communicating with your parents as best you can.
Sometimes this can feel impossible — like they just don't see your point of view and never will. But talking and expressing your opinions can help you gain more respect from your parents, and you may be able to reach compromises that make everyone happy. For example, if you are willing to clean your room in order to stay out an hour later, both you and your parents walk away with a good deal.
Keep in mind, too, that your parents were teens once and that, in most cases, they can relate to what you're going through.
Reviewed by: D'Arcy Lyness, PhD
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
fear and phobia
The roller coaster hesitates for a split second at the peak of its steep track after a long, slow climb. You know what's about to happen — and there's no way to avoid it now. It's time to hang onto the handrail, palms sweating, heart racing, and brace yourself for the wild ride down.
Fear helps protect us. It makes us alert to danger and prepares us to deal with it. Feeling afraid is very natural — and helpful — in some situations. Fear can be like a warning, a signal that cautions us to be careful.
Like all emotions, fear can be mild, medium, or intense, depending on the situation and the person. A feeing of fear can be brief or it can last longer.
This response is known as "fight or flight" because that is exactly what the body is preparing itself to do: fight off the danger or run fast to get away. The body stays in this state of fight-flight until the brain receives an "all clear" message and turns off the response.
Sometimes fear is triggered by something that is startling or unexpected (like a loud noise), even if it's not actually dangerous. That's because the fear reaction is activated instantly — a few seconds faster than the thinking part of the brain can process or evaluate what's happening. As soon as the brain gets enough information to realize there's no danger ("Oh, it's just a balloon bursting — whew!"), it turns off the fear reaction. All this can happen in seconds.
People fear things or situations that make them feel unsafe or unsure. For instance, someone who isn't a strong swimmer might have a fear of deep water. In this case, the fear is helpful because it cautions the person to stay safe. Someone could overcome this fear by learning how to swim safely.
A fear can be healthy if it cautions a person to stay safe around something that could be dangerous. But sometimes a fear is unnecessary and causes more caution than the situation calls for.
Many people have a fear of public speaking. Whether it's giving a report in class, speaking at an assembly, or reciting lines in the school play, speaking in front of others is one of the most common fears people have.
People tend to avoid the situations or things they fear. But this doesn't help them overcome fear — in fact, it can be the reverse. Avoiding something scary reinforces a fear and keeps it strong.
People can overcome unnecessary fears by giving themselves the chance to learn about and gradually get used to the thing or situation they're afraid of. For example, people who fly despite a fear of flying can become used to unfamiliar sensations like takeoff or turbulence. They learn what to expect and have a chance to watch what others do to relax and enjoy the flight. Gradually (and safely) facing fear helps someone overcome it.
Young kids often have fears of the dark, being alone, strangers, and monsters or other scary imaginary creatures. School-aged kids might be afraid when it's stormy or at a first sleepover. As they grow and learn, with the support of adults, most kids are able to slowly conquer these fears and outgrow them.
Some kids are more sensitive to fears and may have a tough time overcoming them. When fears last beyond the expected age, it might be a sign that someone is overly fearful, worried, or anxious. People whose fears are too intense or last too long might need help and support to overcome them.
Phobias cause people to worry about, dread, feel upset by, and avoid the things or situations they fear because the physical sensations of fear can be so intense. So having a phobia can interfere with normal activities. A person with a phobia of dogs might feel afraid to walk to school in case he or she sees a dog on the way. Someone with an elevator phobia might avoid a field trip if it involves going on an elevator.
A girl with a phobia of thunderstorms might be afraid to go to school if the weather forecast predicts a storm. She might feel terrible distress and fear when the sky turns cloudy. A guy with social phobia experiences intense fear of public speaking or interacting, and may be afraid to answer questions in class, give a report, or speak to classmates in the lunchroom.
It can be exhausting and upsetting to feel the intense fear that goes with having a phobia. It can be disappointing to miss out on opportunities because fear is holding you back. And it can be confusing and embarrassing to feel afraid of things that others seem to have no problem with.
Sometimes, people get teased about their fears. Even if the person doing the teasing doesn't mean to be unkind and unfair, teasing only makes the situation worse.
Someone might develop a bee phobia after being stung during a particularly scary situation. For that person, looking at a photograph of a bee, seeing a bee from a distance, or even walking near flowers where there could be a bee can all trigger the phobia.
Sometimes, though, there may be no single event that causes a particular phobia. Some people may be more sensitive to fears because of personality traits they are born with, certain genes they've inherited, or situations they've experienced. People who have had strong childhood fears or anxiety may be more likely to have one or more phobias.
Having a phobia isn't a sign of weakness or immaturity. It's a response the brain has learned in an attempt to protect the person. It's as if the brain's alert system triggers a false alarm, generating intense fear that is out of proportion to the situation. Because the fear signal is so intense, the person is convinced the danger is greater than it actually is.
Overcoming a phobia usually starts with making a long list of the person's fears in least-to-worst order. For example, with a dog phobia, the list might start with the things the person is least afraid of, such as looking at a photo of a dog. It will then work all the way up to worst fears, such as standing next to someone who's petting a dog, petting a dog on a leash, and walking a dog.
Gradually, and with support, the person tries each fear situation on the list — one at a time, starting with the least fear. The person isn't forced to do anything and works on each fear until he or she feels comfortable, taking as long as needed.
A therapist could also show someone with a dog phobia how to approach, pet, and walk a dog, and help the person to try it, too. The person may expect terrible things to happen when near a dog. Talking about this can help, too. When people find that what they fear doesn't actually turn out to be true, it can be a great relief.
A therapist might also teach relaxation practices such as specific ways of breathing, muscle relaxation training, or soothing self-talk. These can help people feel comfortable and bold enough to face the fears on their list.
As somebody gets used to a feared object or situation, the brain adjusts how it responds and the phobia is overcome.
Often, the hardest part of overcoming a phobia is getting started. Once a person decides to go for it — and gets the right coaching and support — it can be surprising how quickly fear can melt away.
Reviewed by: D'Arcy Lyness, PhD
What Is Fear?
Fear is one of the most basic human emotions. It is programmed into the nervous system and works like an instinct. From the time we're infants, we are equipped with the survival instincts necessary to respond with fear when we sense danger or feel unsafe.
Fear helps protect us. It makes us alert to danger and prepares us to deal with it. Feeling afraid is very natural — and helpful — in some situations. Fear can be like a warning, a signal that cautions us to be careful.
Like all emotions, fear can be mild, medium, or intense, depending on the situation and the person. A feeing of fear can be brief or it can last longer.
How Fear Works
When we sense danger, the brain reacts instantly, sending signals that activate the nervous system. This causes physical responses, such as a faster heartbeat, rapid breathing, and an increase in blood pressure. Blood pumps to muscle groups to prepare the body for physical action (such as running or fighting). Skin sweats to keep the body cool. Some people might notice sensations in the stomach, head, chest, legs, or hands. These physical sensations of fear can be mild or strong.This response is known as "fight or flight" because that is exactly what the body is preparing itself to do: fight off the danger or run fast to get away. The body stays in this state of fight-flight until the brain receives an "all clear" message and turns off the response.
Sometimes fear is triggered by something that is startling or unexpected (like a loud noise), even if it's not actually dangerous. That's because the fear reaction is activated instantly — a few seconds faster than the thinking part of the brain can process or evaluate what's happening. As soon as the brain gets enough information to realize there's no danger ("Oh, it's just a balloon bursting — whew!"), it turns off the fear reaction. All this can happen in seconds.
Fears People Have
Fear is the word we use to describe our emotional reaction to something that seems dangerous. But the word "fear" is used in another way, too: to name something a person often feels afraid of.People fear things or situations that make them feel unsafe or unsure. For instance, someone who isn't a strong swimmer might have a fear of deep water. In this case, the fear is helpful because it cautions the person to stay safe. Someone could overcome this fear by learning how to swim safely.
A fear can be healthy if it cautions a person to stay safe around something that could be dangerous. But sometimes a fear is unnecessary and causes more caution than the situation calls for.
Many people have a fear of public speaking. Whether it's giving a report in class, speaking at an assembly, or reciting lines in the school play, speaking in front of others is one of the most common fears people have.
People tend to avoid the situations or things they fear. But this doesn't help them overcome fear — in fact, it can be the reverse. Avoiding something scary reinforces a fear and keeps it strong.
People can overcome unnecessary fears by giving themselves the chance to learn about and gradually get used to the thing or situation they're afraid of. For example, people who fly despite a fear of flying can become used to unfamiliar sensations like takeoff or turbulence. They learn what to expect and have a chance to watch what others do to relax and enjoy the flight. Gradually (and safely) facing fear helps someone overcome it.
Fears During Childhood
Certain fears are normal during childhood. That's because fear can be a natural reaction to feeling unsure and vulnerable — and much of what children experience is new and unfamiliar.Young kids often have fears of the dark, being alone, strangers, and monsters or other scary imaginary creatures. School-aged kids might be afraid when it's stormy or at a first sleepover. As they grow and learn, with the support of adults, most kids are able to slowly conquer these fears and outgrow them.
Some kids are more sensitive to fears and may have a tough time overcoming them. When fears last beyond the expected age, it might be a sign that someone is overly fearful, worried, or anxious. People whose fears are too intense or last too long might need help and support to overcome them.
Phobias
A phobia is an intense fear reaction to a particular thing or a situation. With a phobia, the fear is out of proportion to the potential danger. But to the person with the phobia, the danger feels real because the fear is so very strong.
Phobias cause people to worry about, dread, feel upset by, and avoid the things or situations they fear because the physical sensations of fear can be so intense. So having a phobia can interfere with normal activities. A person with a phobia of dogs might feel afraid to walk to school in case he or she sees a dog on the way. Someone with an elevator phobia might avoid a field trip if it involves going on an elevator.
A girl with a phobia of thunderstorms might be afraid to go to school if the weather forecast predicts a storm. She might feel terrible distress and fear when the sky turns cloudy. A guy with social phobia experiences intense fear of public speaking or interacting, and may be afraid to answer questions in class, give a report, or speak to classmates in the lunchroom.
It can be exhausting and upsetting to feel the intense fear that goes with having a phobia. It can be disappointing to miss out on opportunities because fear is holding you back. And it can be confusing and embarrassing to feel afraid of things that others seem to have no problem with.
Sometimes, people get teased about their fears. Even if the person doing the teasing doesn't mean to be unkind and unfair, teasing only makes the situation worse.
What Causes Phobias?
Some phobias develop when someone has a scary experience with a particular thing or situation. A tiny brain structure called the amygdala (pronounced: uh-mig-duh-luh) keeps track of experiences that trigger strong emotions. Once a certain thing or situation triggers a strong fear reaction, the amygdala warns the person by triggering a fear reaction every time he or she encounters (or even thinks about) that thing or situation.Someone might develop a bee phobia after being stung during a particularly scary situation. For that person, looking at a photograph of a bee, seeing a bee from a distance, or even walking near flowers where there could be a bee can all trigger the phobia.
Sometimes, though, there may be no single event that causes a particular phobia. Some people may be more sensitive to fears because of personality traits they are born with, certain genes they've inherited, or situations they've experienced. People who have had strong childhood fears or anxiety may be more likely to have one or more phobias.
Having a phobia isn't a sign of weakness or immaturity. It's a response the brain has learned in an attempt to protect the person. It's as if the brain's alert system triggers a false alarm, generating intense fear that is out of proportion to the situation. Because the fear signal is so intense, the person is convinced the danger is greater than it actually is.
Overcoming Phobias
People can learn to overcome phobias by gradually facing their fears. This is not easy at first. It takes willingness and bravery. Sometimes people need the help of a therapist to guide them through the process.Overcoming a phobia usually starts with making a long list of the person's fears in least-to-worst order. For example, with a dog phobia, the list might start with the things the person is least afraid of, such as looking at a photo of a dog. It will then work all the way up to worst fears, such as standing next to someone who's petting a dog, petting a dog on a leash, and walking a dog.
Gradually, and with support, the person tries each fear situation on the list — one at a time, starting with the least fear. The person isn't forced to do anything and works on each fear until he or she feels comfortable, taking as long as needed.
A therapist could also show someone with a dog phobia how to approach, pet, and walk a dog, and help the person to try it, too. The person may expect terrible things to happen when near a dog. Talking about this can help, too. When people find that what they fear doesn't actually turn out to be true, it can be a great relief.
A therapist might also teach relaxation practices such as specific ways of breathing, muscle relaxation training, or soothing self-talk. These can help people feel comfortable and bold enough to face the fears on their list.
As somebody gets used to a feared object or situation, the brain adjusts how it responds and the phobia is overcome.
Often, the hardest part of overcoming a phobia is getting started. Once a person decides to go for it — and gets the right coaching and support — it can be surprising how quickly fear can melt away.
Reviewed by: D'Arcy Lyness, PhD
social phobia
It's natural to feel self-conscious, nervous, or shy in front of others at times. Anyone can have a racing heart, sweaty palms, or fluttering stomach when trying out for chorus, asking someone on a first date, or giving a class presentation.
Most people manage to get through these moments when they need to. But for some, the anxiety that goes with feeling shy or self-conscious can be extreme. It can seem so unbearable that they might feel too nervous to give answers in class, be unable to make eye contact with classmates in the hallway, or avoid chatting with others at the lunch table.
When people feel so self-conscious and anxious that it prevents them from speaking up or socializing most of the time, it's probably more than shyness. It may be an anxiety condition called social phobia.
People with social phobia can usually interact easily with family and a few close friends. But meeting new people, talking in a group, or speaking in public can cause their extreme shyness to kick in.
With social phobia, a person's extreme shyness, self-consciousness, and fears of embarrassment get in the way of life. Instead of enjoying social activities, people with social phobia might dread them — and avoid some of them altogether.
This biological mechanism kicks in when we feel afraid. It's a built-in nervous system response that alerts us to danger so we can protect ourselves. With social phobia, this response gets activated too frequently, too strongly, and in situations where it's out of place. Because the physical sensations that go with the response are real — and sometimes quite strong — the danger seems real, too. So the person will react by freezing up, and will feel unable to interact.
As the body experiences these physical sensations, the mind goes through emotions like feeling afraid or nervous.
People with social phobia tend to interpret these sensations and emotions in a way that leads them to avoid the situation ("Uh-oh, my heart's pounding, this must be dangerous — I'd better not do it!"). Someone else might interpret the same physical sensations of nervousness a different way ("OK, that's just my heart beating fast. It's me getting nervous because it's almost my turn to speak. It happens every time. No big deal.").
People with social phobia tend to feel self-conscious and uncomfortable about being noticed or judged by others. They're more sensitive to fears that they'll be embarrassed, look foolish, make a mistake, or be criticized or laughed at. No one wants to experience these things. But most people don't really spend much time worrying about it.
Some of the ways social phobia can affect someone's life include:
People with selective mutism can talk. They have completely normal conversations with the people they're comfortable with or in certain places. But other situations cause them such extreme anxiety that they may not be able to bring themselves to talk at all.
Some people might mistake their silence for a stuck-up attitude or rudeness. But with selective mutism and social phobia, silence stems from feeling uncomfortable and afraid, not from being uncooperative, disrespectful, or rude.
Most people manage to get through these moments when they need to. But for some, the anxiety that goes with feeling shy or self-conscious can be extreme. It can seem so unbearable that they might feel too nervous to give answers in class, be unable to make eye contact with classmates in the hallway, or avoid chatting with others at the lunch table.
When people feel so self-conscious and anxious that it prevents them from speaking up or socializing most of the time, it's probably more than shyness. It may be an anxiety condition called social phobia.
What Is Social Phobia?
Social phobia (also sometimes called social anxiety) is a type of anxiety problem. Extreme feelings of shyness and self-consciousness build into a powerful fear. As a result, a person feels uncomfortable participating in everyday social situations.People with social phobia can usually interact easily with family and a few close friends. But meeting new people, talking in a group, or speaking in public can cause their extreme shyness to kick in.
With social phobia, a person's extreme shyness, self-consciousness, and fears of embarrassment get in the way of life. Instead of enjoying social activities, people with social phobia might dread them — and avoid some of them altogether.
The Fear Reaction
Like other phobias, social phobia is a fear reaction to something that isn't actually dangerous — although the body and mind react as if the danger is real. This means that someone feels physical sensations of fear, like a faster heartbeat and breathing. These are part of the body's fight-flight response. They're caused by a rush of adrenaline and other chemicals that prepare the body to either fight or make a quick getaway.This biological mechanism kicks in when we feel afraid. It's a built-in nervous system response that alerts us to danger so we can protect ourselves. With social phobia, this response gets activated too frequently, too strongly, and in situations where it's out of place. Because the physical sensations that go with the response are real — and sometimes quite strong — the danger seems real, too. So the person will react by freezing up, and will feel unable to interact.
As the body experiences these physical sensations, the mind goes through emotions like feeling afraid or nervous.
People with social phobia tend to interpret these sensations and emotions in a way that leads them to avoid the situation ("Uh-oh, my heart's pounding, this must be dangerous — I'd better not do it!"). Someone else might interpret the same physical sensations of nervousness a different way ("OK, that's just my heart beating fast. It's me getting nervous because it's almost my turn to speak. It happens every time. No big deal.").
What Are People With Social Phobia Afraid Of?
With social phobia, a person's fears and concerns are focused on their social performance — whether it's a major class presentation or small talk at the lockers.People with social phobia tend to feel self-conscious and uncomfortable about being noticed or judged by others. They're more sensitive to fears that they'll be embarrassed, look foolish, make a mistake, or be criticized or laughed at. No one wants to experience these things. But most people don't really spend much time worrying about it.
How Social Phobia Can Affect Someone's Life
With social phobia, thoughts and fears about what others think get exaggerated in someone's mind. The person starts to focus on the embarrassing things that could happen, instead of the good things. This makes a situation seem much worse than it is, and influences a person to avoid it.
Some of the ways social phobia can affect someone's life include:
- Feeling lonely or disappointed over missed opportunities for friendship and fun. Social phobia might prevent someone from chatting with friends in the lunchroom, joining an after-school club, going to a party, or asking someone on a date.
- Not getting the most out of school. Social phobia might keep a person from volunteering an answer in class, reading aloud, or giving a presentation. Someone with social phobia might feel too nervous to ask a question in class or go to a teacher for help.
- Missing a chance to share their talents and learn new skills. Social phobia might prevent someone from auditioning for the school play, being in the talent show, trying out for a team, or joining in a service project. Social phobia not only prevents people from trying new things. It also prevents them from making the normal, everyday mistakes that help people improve their skills still further.
Selective Mutism
Some kids and teens are so extremely shy and so fearful about talking to others, that they don't speak at all to certain people (such as a teacher or students they don't know) or in certain places (like at someone else's house). This form of social phobia is sometimes called selective mutism.People with selective mutism can talk. They have completely normal conversations with the people they're comfortable with or in certain places. But other situations cause them such extreme anxiety that they may not be able to bring themselves to talk at all.
Some people might mistake their silence for a stuck-up attitude or rudeness. But with selective mutism and social phobia, silence stems from feeling uncomfortable and afraid, not from being uncooperative, disrespectful, or rude.
Why Do Some People Develop Social Phobia?
Kids, teens, and adults can have social phobia. Most of the time, it starts when a person is young. Like other anxiety-based problems, social phobia develops because of a combination of three factors:- A person's biological makeup. Social phobia could be partly due to the genes and temperament a person inherits. Inherited genetic traits from parents and other relatives can influence how the brain senses and regulates anxiety, shyness, nervousness, and stress reactions. Likewise, some people are born with a shy temperament and tend to be cautious and sensitive in new situations and prefer what's familiar. Most people who develop social phobia have always had a shy temperament.
Not everyone with a shy temperament develops social phobia (in fact, most don't). It's the same with genes. But people who inherit these traits do have an increased chance of developing social phobia. - Behaviors learned from role models (especially parents). A person's naturally shy temperament can be influenced by what he or she learns from role models. If parents or others react by overprotecting a child who is shy, the child won't have a chance to get used to new situations and new people. Over time, shyness can build into social phobia.
Shy parents might also unintentionally set an example by avoiding certain social interactions. A shy child who watches this learns that socializing is uncomfortable, distressing, and something to avoid.
- Life events and experiences. If people born with a cautious nature have stressful experiences, it can make them even more cautious and shy. Feeing pressured to interact in ways they don't feel ready for, being criticized or humiliated, or having other fears and worries can make it more likely for a shy or fearful person to develop social anxiety.
People who constantly receive critical or disapproving reactions may grow to expect that others will judge them negatively. Being teased or bullied will make people who are already shy likely to retreat into their shells even more. They'll be scared of making a mistake or disappointing someone, and will be more sensitive to criticism.
friend freinds!
No matter how young or old you are, the term friends forever is something that makes you smile. It might make you think about your first best friend, way back when you were four years old. Or a good friend that you have today that you hope will always be there for you. Friends forever means just that – a friend until the end of time. This is a gift that is very rare indeed, and should be cherished. But even friendships that don't last as long as they are supposed to are amazing gifts as well.
You will have many friendships in your life time and some friendships will grow and change over time. Sometimes you'll have a great circle of friends with whom you enjoy every waking moment. There might be a period of time – from weeks to months to years – in which you are completely inseparable. You share all of your secrets, tell your friend your ultimate desires, and know that no matter what he or she says, you'll be there for them as well. However, gradually, most friendships change. People move on, or grow older, or get involved in different activities that push them away from their friends. This is a perfectly natural part of life – no matter what age you are.
Hopefully, friends that were at one time your best friends will still be friends in time to come, even if you don't talk to them every day, or even every month or year. Some friendships turn out that way – with hardly any communication after the friendship has faded away. However, this is ok, because part of being a friend is knowing when its time to move on to another friendship, or to closer ties with someone else. If you are careful in how you grow apart, and if it isn't a huge fight that ends your friendship, chances are good that your old friends will still be there, somewhere, if you ever need them. A friendship that was at one time a best friendship will rarely disappear entirely, even if both parties grow apart.
There are the friendships that do, indeed, last forever. Sometimes people are friends from a very young age and travel through all of life's paths together. They might stay in the same town, go to the same school, and then end up settling down near each other. Or, they might move away, but stay in such close contact that their friendship never changes. These are rarities, but they are gifts that should be always cherished. True friends, forever friends take dedication and work for many many years, and you must be sure to never break the trust of this type of friend.
Friends forever means that you'll always have friends – even if those friends change with time. Sometimes, a friend can be there for you in your darkest hour, but doesn't end up being there as much for you when the sun comes out. These are friends that are also to be cherished – friends that know when you need them, and then, when you no longer need them as much, move on to someone else who needs them as well. No matter what type of friends you have in your life – cherish the moments when they are truly your best friends. Whether they'll stay that way forever or grow apart a bit, they'll always be there in your heart and will always be a cherished memory.
There are the friendships that do, indeed, last forever. Sometimes people are friends from a very young age and travel through all of life's paths together. They might stay in the same town, go to the same school, and then end up settling down near each other. Or, they might move away, but stay in such close contact that their friendship never changes. These are rarities, but they are gifts that should be always cherished. True friends, forever friends take dedication and work for many many years, and you must be sure to never break the trust of this type of friend.
Friends forever means that you'll always have friends – even if those friends change with time. Sometimes, a friend can be there for you in your darkest hour, but doesn't end up being there as much for you when the sun comes out. These are friends that are also to be cherished – friends that know when you need them, and then, when you no longer need them as much, move on to someone else who needs them as well. No matter what type of friends you have in your life – cherish the moments when they are truly your best friends. Whether they'll stay that way forever or grow apart a bit, they'll always be there in your heart and will always be a cherished memory.
friends in our life
Even if your life is perfect and everything is running like clock work, one day you still may get into trouble or there will be a problem that you will not be able to solve yourself. What you do is call a friend, a person whom you can always rely on. He will never betray you and your secrets, never lie, never deceive. Once you have no way out and problems seem to surround you like enemies, your mind goes blank and the only desire you have is to hide your head in the sand and pretend that you don’t hear or see what is going on. And than he comes, the rescuer, a fresh mind and a strong hand to pull you out to the surface and help you to face your problems. But does your friend correspond to that description?
There is nobody beside you and you burst into curses, thinking about liars that surround you now. You dial a number of an old friend with shaking hand and pray for him to be there for you. You hear a familiar voice and start explaining, and ask to forgive at the same time. The situation goes back to normal. You feel that everything is going to be alright; your friend is coming to save the day. A minute later you sit in the kitchen drinking coffee and look in your friend’s wise worried eyes. At one moment you turn into a normal person from the idiot. Now you have your friend in your life again.:)
You are surrounded by a lot of people daily, who claim to be your friends. You spend much time with them thinking of them as friends. But when it comes to help or advice they all seem to disappear, to evaporate suddenly after leaving you with a thousand made up excuses. You feel deceived and have no idea of what to do. Then a thought dawns on you that in your phone book there is still a number of an old friend of yours that you haven’t seen for years now. You know that if you call him and ask for help, he’ll wake up in the middle of the night, lean you all his money, give shelter even he has a family of six to keep. He helped you out in high school studies, provided term paper help, covered your back when you had some of your crazy affairs and never complained when he had been getting in trouble for his help. Being good in writing custom term papers he always seemed to fail his work to try his best to do your work. But there is also strange thing you remember; you didn’t really appreciate all his efforts to help you. They were so numerous that you started to take them for granted and didn’t even pay attention to what had been done for you. It was so weird to see that somebody was ready to help you out of willingness to make your life better, that it was hard to believe that it was so.
Than it was an inseparable part of your friendship. If you are a friend you have to give, do, make and so on. Friendship turned into an exploitation of a person who cares about you. Meanwhile you continue to have fun and relax with others and leave all the difficult things on your friend’s hands. Than suddenly you’ve stopped communicating. After all these years of true friendship your friend disappeared and there was no sign of him for a long time. “Oh well, that wasn’t a big loss”, you think, and continue to live not even trying to find out what has happened. And now you are making a poor show every time you try to improve the situation. There is nobody beside you and you burst into curses, thinking about liars that surround you now. You dial a number of an old friend with shaking hand and pray for him to be there for you. You hear a familiar voice and start explaining, and ask to forgive at the same time. The situation goes back to normal. You feel that everything is going to be alright; your friend is coming to save the day. A minute later you sit in the kitchen drinking coffee and look in your friend’s wise worried eyes. At one moment you turn into a normal person from the idiot. Now you have your friend in your life again.:)
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