try to find my place

I feel that I do everything halfway. This blog for example. I started it so it would be useful to at least someone, when not me. But I doubt it has. Because I have done it halfway. I haven’t written much and I’m so sorry for that. Like everything else.. I have stopped doing everything. Including things I really loved. I really did. Imagine if you’d love dancing but you can’t do it because some serious health problem.. or if you’d like to sing, but someone took your voice or something like that. I gave my things up, because they said I couldn’t anymore. And guess what? It makes me damn unhappy. Though I don’t want to admit it. Though I try to stay happy in this life, in my body.. the way I have become. I don’t love myself. I’m a failure to myself.I feel completely useless. And I don’t even know why.
Don’t get it wrong, I have everything a girl would want. Well…and a bit things that I wouldn’t want.. but I SHOULD be happy – I have my family and boyfriend, lovely friends, free study in university, I’m about to go live on my own..and yet I am not happy.
I have so many things I’d love to do. Especially one.. but..I gave it away and it’s hard to do it again, to be the best at it again..because it has been so long.. Actually I’d rather not talk about it because it’s still I thing only thing in the world that brings tears to my eyes right away.

I used to go to 2 schools at the same time.. and I managed to get good grades without trying, I could hang out with my friends, I could to ALL the things I enjoyed.. and now? It’s like.. I go to one school, it doesn’t fill my days.. and yet I don’t have time to do everything else. And it begins to feel that all my friends have gone to their ways, too. I know they’re there for me.. at least by some meaning.. but I feel they’re not there for me like they used to. We have grown apart. And I’m not the one who goes to find new friends. It seems quite stupid for me, when I see people getting to know each other. They all try to be so cool.. but well, they’re not, when acting like that. And I don’t.. I don’t want that.

It really hurts. I love them. But it feels like I can’t just.. it’s not the same anymore.  I’d like it was.. but it’s not.. and again it makes me feel like.. I want to fly away..to far-far away land.

And it sucks that you have to be available in Internet at all times if you want your relationships to stay as they were.Because people tend to share their emotions, feelings and everything else in Internet rather than by phone on meeting. Ok, sometimes you can’t meet right away over some distances.. but still.  Why is that so? I really begin to hate this world because it’s so.. unfair.  I would love to meet new people.. but when they’re not.. like.. uh. Hard to explain. It’s smothering me again that I have to be here..I have to be attached to the school, because you can’t do anything without education.. and the worst thing is that I’m not even sure if I study the right thing for me..

I’d like to go travelling again, meet new people away from here.. just leave everything behind and.. I don’t want to come back. I love my homecountry.. but now it feels I don’t want to come back to these people.. who I used to love.. who I still do love.  I’d like to fix everything.. but this feeling.. it makes me lock myself inside..

Ok, it begins to go.. misty. Whatever.. At least I tried to say something.. I felt. Haven’t done it a long time.